Dolores, and her Dog

This morning the driller came to visit me, because he has an assistant and, basically, is not needed. He told me 36 times how he gets a kick out of seeing a girl working at the rig. And he’ll come and talk to me because he gets a kick out of it, but some of the others are scared to talk to me because something they say might get them into trouble. But he’s not and hegetsakickoutofhavingagirlontherigbecauseitsnotverycommon-andhe’llcometovisitmeandharassmebecausehegetsakickoutofit.

I don’t think he took a breath the entire 14.1 minutes he was in here.

He’d ask me a question and give me 1.2 milliseconds to answer before charging on to the next topic he got a kick out of.

Today’s Exploit:

Yesterday in the middle of my epic run I met Dolores, and her dog.

Dolores is one of the “gate guards” that check people in and out of location. Usually she is a hand waving out the door, letting me know I can keep driving without herds of oilfield mounted police chasing after me.

Yesterday she was walking her dog. Walking in the sense that she was walking and the dog was not.

The dog is probably the fattest Dachshund I have ever seen, it is definitely the fattest I ever hope to see. And I’ve seen some fat Weiner dogs. This dog was monumentally fat. It needs stilts to move its belly.

PS Who does this to their pets? Really, it’s cruel and unusual punishment.
What did that poor creature ever do to you?

Their walk consisted of Dolores pushing a baby buggy, outfitted with a cushy dog bed, up and down the bumpy, rocky, rutted road.

This dog is so fat it has to have a carriage. (Word thinks this dog is fast. HAHAHAHAHA. This dog IS a very demented, pitiful, training wheel; its not fast.)

Carriage dog also likes to bark. She’s not really on top of life, so she ends up barking at the dust settling after I run by (I really am that fast). This seriously worries Dolores. I hear her comforting the dog when I stop to walk over the ‘cattle gap’.

Fatty: Yap Yap Yapyapyap Yappy

Dolores: It’s OK, Big girl, it’s OK. Don’t worry. It’s OK. Shhhh.

Fatty: Pant pant pantpant.

Retired Princess Seeks Employment

As always, when I find a new blog that I like, I am reading it ceaselessly. I have also discovered my new favoritest most awsomestest fairy tale. It’s probably one for the ages.

I’ll smile and nod knowingly when I see it in collections alongside “Cinderella”, and “Beauty and the Beast”, and “The Little Matchstick Girl”.

Today’s Exploit:

Shortly after my histrionics over Brutus the rig floor computer, when all was running smoothly, I retired from my stint as Princess of the Oilfield. I think I’d rather be an Ugly Step-Sister. The one who goes on to become famous for her magnificent secret recipe/super addicting cookie-confections (who cares what the cook looks like, the prettier/socially adept ugly step-sister gets to be the waitress).

Being imperious takes too much self discipline. I have almost none.

Also I decided that the 3.62 inches of powdery dust on the floor was aggravating enough that I had to sweep. I was tired of having to lift my throne any time I wanted to adjust my royal view.

Sweeping is a very large ordeal in my micro-box. The dust is always very fine, and given to pouffing in one’s face and taking 3.8 hours to settle. The bit that doesn’t pouf is cemented to the floor due to the “traction” grooves (whose only purpose in life is to make rolling office chairs/princess thrones more difficult).

Anyway, I ended up with a 2.7 ton pile of dust, with another 4.2 tons hanging in the air. And being scatter-brained and overly ambitious I KICKED it out the door, right into a nice stiff breeze.

Cue choking and crying, stumbling out into some relatively fresh air.

Stair Master: Princess Edition

Some trees bear strange fruit and in this instance the tree would be my parents & I would be the damaged produce.

-Dufmanno’s Blog

This lady has a way with words. Very vivid. And quite funny.

Today’s Exploit:

This morning I woke to clanging pipes.

Clanging pipes means that I have to actually get off my throne and do real, physical, labor. At least for 37.2 minutes.

Being scatter-brained and overly-ambitious means that I ran up and down the stairs 42 times in the allotted 37.2 minutes.

When the hard, hard physical part of today’s work was finished I sat down on my royal throne and got to work fighting with the 17.8 computers. They mostly cooperated and it only took me 4 hours and 28 minutes to get everything working again. This was OK because it takes 3 hours to clean the rig floor and then another 6.2 to clang all that pipe back into the ground.

Then I realized that I had one more computer to whip into shape. The one on the rig floor.

So I went up to press the requisite buttons and jump up and down in rage 2 times.

This computer did not want to cooperate. It laughed at me and said, “Tough cookies, Princess. No more Mr. Nice-guy act from me.”

I ended up taking the stairs 138 times, stomping in rage 48 times and complaining to 7 roughnecks about the horrors of my job. Naturally they all humor me and act sympathetic and smile and nod, but roll their eyes and laugh about how easy I have it as soon as I’m 3 steps away or ask their friend what the heck I just said.

But now that Brutus, the rig floor computer, is finally working and the roughnecks made sure that I ate their barbecue (I got 3 phone calls and 2 in-person invitations) until I exploded I am back on my throne. And ruling these computers with a 10 pound sledge hammer. The computers are terrified, and actually working.

We’ll see how long I can keep them in line.

It’s Called “Young Love is Wonderful, but I’m Not Your Toy”

Trivia:

The highest point in Pennsylvania (Mt. Davis, 3,213 feet above sea level) is lower than the lowest point in Colorado (3,350 feet on the Arkansas River near Holly).

Today’s Exploit:

Rather than coming up with a good topic, which I had really planned on doing, I spent the day changing the layout of my blog. I hope you like it. I rather like my “Buttons”.

Also I read a lot of trivia.

And some new blogs.

And ate far too much cornbread.

Please lend me a wheelbarrow, I need it to get back to the trailer for more cornbread.

Also I compiled a new playlist:

-Wreck, Megan McCormick
-Paperweight, Schuyler Fisk
-Dancing With Myself, Glee Cast
-Black Velvet, Alannah Myles
-Marry You, Bruno Mars
-Valerie, Amy Winehouse
-White Blank Page, Mumford & Sons
-Honey, The Hush Sound
-Oh, My Love, Megan McCormick
-Crying Blood, VV Brown
-Honey and the Moon, Joseph Arthur
-Honey Honey, Feist
-I Don’t Belong to You Anymore, Schuyler Fisk
-F**k You, Cee Lo Green
-Wonderful, Annie Lennox
-Mama, Kate Miller-Heidke
-Don't Let Me Fall, Lenka
-I'm Not Your Toy, La Roux
-Young Love, Mystery Jets
-Dream a Little Dream of Me, Cass Elliot
-Darling I Do, Lucy Schwartz and Landon Pigg

I'm the Favorite

What, so I'm a mess

I wear my faults on my sleeve and my heart stays locked in my chest

So, you say I'm a wreck

-Megan McCormick

Today’s Exploit:

My mind is very disorganized today. (Word thinks my mind is “much” disorganized.) I have 42 new favorite songs. At the moment the song playing is “Dancing with Myself”. I’m also currently obsessed with songs that have “honey” in the title. I’m not entirely sure why, considering I don’t very often like honey itself. 

Except on cornbread.  I made some cornbread this morning.  It was my first time with this oven.  It cooks a little hot.  So the edges were just the way dad likes them.  Except dad isn't here to eat the edges.  I guess that means scraping out the middle for Johnnycakes.  Ok, so it's not black, just a bit darker than usual.

I got an email from James, an MWD from a few jobs ago.

Jimmy was asking about you. He wants to know when you are going to get here?

Jimmy is the company man that told me he’d shoot me if I ran after dark because the previous location had lots of snakes. He told me he preferred me to James because I found a “marker” in the log that the geologist was looking for about 3 hours before James missed one. It was entirely luck that I “caught” it, and I really don’t know anything about logs, but Jimmy decided that I was probably a geologist in another life.

The clerk that was here last week called me “Baby doll”. Strangely I’m more comfortable with that than being called “Ma’am”. I still detest being called “Ma’am”. In my opinion I’m still a kid, I sit at the kid’s table at holidays; therefore I am not old enough to be a Ma’am. In Cupcake’s words: “I’m just a lil’ tyke.”

The first company man is back. He’s the self proclaimed Dirty Old Man. Yesterday we were having a hard time getting a good signal from our tool, after my shift ended. After 3 attempts at a survey they decided that they should tell the company man.

Adan: I guess we should tell the company man, who has a good rapport with him?

Ken: (shakes his head) Oh! PJ!

Adan: You can talk to him?

Me: Yeah, I think he’s funny.

Ken: It’s ok when they like you.

Me: Ok, I’ll go let him know.

After I told Herb about the problems and we talked about solutions I told him about them sending me.

Me: They’re all afraid of you!

Herb: I’ve been told that before, I really don’t know why!

Me: Hahaha! I think it’s really funny they have to send the most timid person.

Cultivating a Post is Difficult

The other day I was reading a sometimes funny blog. The title of the post was “In which I discuss equestrian hookers, boots and strongly worded letters.” It reminded me of some books that I love. They make up a four book series about dragons and witches and princesses who would rather be a dragon’s cooks than princesses. And a forest that doesn’t stay put, and is always changing to make it impossible to get to where you want to go.

But I digress; each and every chapter in all four of these books has a title that begins, “In which…”. And they are all very clever, and quite funny. I recommend them. The first one is Dealing with Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede.

I am amazed I remember the author after so long. Usually I can’t remember titles.

Today’s Exploit:

I had a really good topic for today’s post. But I lost it last night. It always seems to go that way. I have a good idea and I plan how I want to introduce it and develop it so I think I’m ready to go. But then I go to bed and try to sleep some, before I wake panicking that I’ve overslept.

After that happens 32 times my alarm finally goes off. Then I stare at the ceiling for 6.8 minutes debating being productive and doing some exercises or going back to sleep. By then I decide to go back to sleep, but have been awake long enough that I end up staring at the ceiling for another 4.62 minutes before getting up to make some tea.

And also to change the channel on the TV to something I can stand to hear. Usually it’s tuned to some really crappy, poorly made movie and blaring because the last person to watch is pretty much deaf. After 3.15 minutes I find some music that is only mildly irritating.

This leaves me with 8.7 minutes to wash my face, change into work clothes and wash an apple.

Naturally the other MWD generally decides to tell me how much I’m missing by not being jovial and bubbly and perky first thing in the morning, while chatting online and NOT LEAVING. By the time he finally goes to bed I’ve completely forgotten what my topic was, although I remember vague details of how I wanted to cultivate it.

These vague memories are not enough to be helpful, so I’m left with 2.6 hours to find a topic, outline it, build it, and edit it.  Or rather, find a topic and wing it.

I blame the bad spelling and pointless posts on the 48 times I wake panicked.

I apologize.

Night Fright

Trivia:

In the United States, a pound of potato chips costs two hundred times more than a pound of potatoes.

Today’s Exploit:

The other night I woke panicked. I was sure I had slept through my alarm. Since I’ve been getting up at 3:30 am I’ve been going to bed around 8:00 pm. When I checked my watch it said 9:13. I was sure it was 9:13 am and I had overslept my alarm by nearly 6 hours.

I jumped out of bed wondering why Ken hadn’t gotten me up. I checked my phone. It said 9:15 pm. The PM didn’t register. I was sure that my phone was going crazy, that it broke overnight. Especially since I hadn’t heard the alarm.

I went to the door to look at the rig, to see if I could tell what was happening. I really hoped that something broke down and I didn’t miss anything, or make Ken do lots of work while I was lolling in bed.

It was dark out. Night dark.

Gradually it sank in that it really was 9:17 pm. I didn’t oversleep; in fact, I had only slept for 1.18 hours.

I got back in bed and stared at the ceiling while I tried to slow my heart rate enough to get back to sleep.

I woke 8.2 more times between 10 and 3:15 am (but it felt like 82), and then I gave up and made some tea.

Opera Cow

Lately I’ve seen advertisements on TV for the new 2 dollar bills. Apparently they’re collectibles. You can order either 2 or 3 of them for $10, but they have a $50 value. Does anyone else find this inconsistent? They’re $2 bills.


Today’s Exploit:

Today I walked into the trailer to discover an animated cow singing opera, its ears blowing in the wind. The last person to watch the TV had changed the channel to Classical Baby, which evidently puts animations to classical music. I find it quite hilarious that one of the guys I’m boarding with would choose that channel. Not one has ever given any hint of wanting to watch anything other than football or horror shows.

When I left a grasshopper was playing the violin.

After laughing at the cow for a few minutes, I realized that I recognized the song. I don’t listen to opera very often, so that revelation was rather shocking. So I decided I had to find out what it was.

It was not a difficult project. I typed “Classical Baby, cow” into youtube’s search engine. This is what I got:

I’m a little obsessed with it at the moment; trying to figure out who sang the version that I know. I really like the song, and think the cartoon is rather hilarious. I hope you enjoy it.

Playing God

Today’s Joke:
Q. What did one strawberry say to the other?
A. "If you weren't so fresh last night, we wouldn't be in this jam together!"

Read more

Today’s Exploit:

The directional driller, Ricky, and one of the drillers, Hector, have decided to randomly tell me comments that the roughnecks have made about me.

I suspect that these comments occur more often than they let on, and are usually a bit raunchier, so I’m glad they only tell me the funny/cheesy ones. It means that I can just laugh at the guys, rather than be freaked out by them.

I got this on last week, just before our 3 day break (meaning that I drove 2 days to be home for 1).

Hector: My pit man just called and asked if he could come up [to the rig floor]. He saw you walking around behind the draw works. He said he was seeing angels.

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Cheesy!

Hector: That’s what he said.

All I can do is shake my head and laugh.

Ricky came to tell me about this one the other afternoon.

“We’ve decided (the whole crew) to go have dinner in Tilden Monday night. The derrick man says he’ll ‘only go if the girl goes. If she doesn’t go, I don’t go.’”

I didn’t realize I had so much pull around here. I get to decide if people have fun or not.  Ha.

Dancers

Working 6 am to 6 pm =Never seeing any daylight. Stuck in a box with computers all the time.


Working 6 pm to 6 am =Lazier and lazier every day until almost sleeping 12 hours.

Working 4 am to 4 pm =Guarantees that I wake at 3:30 am during any off time. Why doesn’t that happen with the other times?

Today’s Exploit:

People from the dance studio.

Shawn: Crazy humor, the epitome of a “ham”. He likes attention a lot, and he likes making me turn red.

Gary: Very touchy-feely. A bit obsessed with the basics of dance.

Louie: The owner, also a dirty old man. Usually a hug and letting him kiss my cheek is sufficient, but the other night he caught me with my guard down.

Jose: Rather flamboyant, definitely likes the ladies. And he’s not afraid to let them know.

Dadbeh: (pronounced Dod-bay) Always going 450 miles per minute. He also likes anything with sugar, but is on a diet. Therefore he yells at me every time I take any food to the studio.

Veronica: Conspires with Shawn ways to embarrass me. She’s pretty successful.

Shelby: Probably the most amazing dancer I’ve ever met. She steals the show no matter who she dances with.

Yolanda: Also known as Mama. She sets the mood and the decoration themes. I think everyone is intimidated by her.

The Claw

The sun is shining! It didn’t shine the entire time I was in Nowhere, Texas. It rained for over a week. The ground was soup. So I walked to dance lessons. And I was late, but it was ok because the owner and my instructor were later.

FYI Mud and office chairs are not a good combination. Specially when people put muddy feet on the rollers, then they dry and don’t roll.

Today’s Exploit:

I took two hours of lessons together. In between Shawn had to go have a smoke. Right before he went out he had some sort of weird spasm.

Shawn: I’m going to go outside for a minute, and then we’ll get started again.

Me: Ok.

Shawn: Bent nearly in half, and concentrating very hard on my knee. His hand is making THE CLAW!.

I was a bit unnerved by this spasm I just watched.

Then Veronica came by and gave me the WTF? Look. I shrugged.

Shawn finally straightened up and looked very disappointed.

Shawn: You’re not ticklish?

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Veronica: HAHAHAHAHA

Me: So that’s what that was. No, I’m not.

Shawn: To Veronica Why are YOU laughing?

Veronica: It was kinda funny, you looked crazy.

Then activity resumed as usual, as far as that goes.

My Tattoo

Driving is exhausting.


Also I’m making French Bread. Wish me luck. I hope it tastes as good as it smells. I just took it out of the oven and it’s crackling, it sounds like Rice Krispies.

I fell in love with my KitchenAid again.

Today’s Exploit:

On the rare occasion that Noah is silent, or away from the trailer, another trailer inhabitant has decided to regale me with his life story.

It was not an interesting story. So my attention wandered. I thought about making cornbread. I thought about wanting my mixer. I thought about the snow and some bunnies.

Then Robert remembered that he needed to do laundry. I was thankful for a small recess. In that time I talked to Dimitris a bit.

Me: I think I have “Please, tell me your life’s story” stamped on my forehead.

Dimitris: Haha. He did tell you a lot about his life.

Me: It happens everywhere, too. I don’t know why. Mostly I don’t want to know their stories.

Dimitris: Really? Haha.

I may need to get a note tattooed on my forehead saying, “Shut up, I don’t want to know! Yes, that means YOU!”

It might deter a few people.

Unwanted Information

Common conversation:

Them: What did you do before you worked out here?

Me: I was a wildland firefighter.

Them: No way! You went into buildings and saved people? I can’t imagine you wearing all that equipment!

Me: No, wildland. I fought forest fires.

Them: Oh, you were a smoke jumper?

Me: No.

Today’s Exploit:

The other night I was sitting in the kitchen while Noah talked. He’d exhausted his phone and his boredom as topics, so he started telling me about a mentor he had.

He was getting ready to leave somewhere. (I’m not sure where, I have a hard time paying attention to what he’s actually saying anymore.)

“She kept thinking of things to tell me about the job, but then she started talking about her life and telling me everything about herself. She just didn’t want me to go, and I really didn’t want to know that stuff. Man, she was a talker; she talked all the time. I don’t think she ever stopped.”

I stared at him blankly for a few minutes trying as hard as I could not to burst out laughing. Then I went back to making my sandwich and trying really hard to ignore the blather.

PS Today was the first day I didn’t have to walk out and close the door while he was still talking. He had to leave before me, so it was nice and quiet for just a few minutes. Lovely.

PPS This was not at all what I had intended for this post. Maybe tomorrow I’ll remember where I was headed initially.

Little Helpers

FYI:

More colds begin on Monday than on any other weekday.
Michael Jackson had had 6 nose jobs by 1990.

Today’s Exploit:

The other evening I got a call from Rick, the directional driller. He asked if I wanted to go to dinner with him and the roughnecks. They were going to the one restaurant near the rig.

I decided to be adventurous and join them even though I knew I’d be out past my bedtime.

I rode with Rick; we arrived at the diner only to discover that the roughnecks had not made it. We picked up a couple little shadows as we walked through the two dining rooms where Rick pointed out a table to claim. Then he went to check the bar while the shadows followed me to the table.

My new shadows were two little girls bearing menus and silverware. One was 3, and the other was probably 5.

I told them we’d have 8 people, and they scampered off to get more menus and napkins.

When they returned they argued about who got to place the menus and who got to place the silverware and where. I directed them a bit so that the disagreements couldn’t escalate. Then the older one headed purposefully back toward the kitchen with the younger one trailing behind.

I saw the little one a few more times when she helped her mama by carrying a container of tortillas. She was very deliberate placing it on the table in front of me, even though they weren’t mine. She was much more bashful when her mother was present.

I spent dinner being bombarded with questions about myself and Wyoming and my time working as a firefighter. Also every so often I’d look around and see a little girl watching me (there were also a couple sitting at the tables). I’d smile at them and they’d hide behind their chair or the wall.

At the end of the night I went to the counter to ask for the little girls. They were brought out and I tipped them each for all their help, and told them that I was very impressed.

They stood there open-mouthed for a while staring at the dollars until prompted by one of the other waitresses to reply.

They both followed when I went back to my seat, and when I left with my group a few minutes later.

I think I made some new friends.

There's a Hair in my Soup

Everything in the oilfield is on some sort of delay. If you’re told it will happen at 4:00 pm it will be 8:30 pm, if not later. Probably it won’t happen until tomorrow at 11:46 am. But possibly it will be next Thursday at 5:22 am.

Today’s Exploit:

The other night I made soup, Tortilla Soup. It was amazing and delicious and I might have to go have some more right this instant. (I am amazed by this, even being tempered by the following incident.)

It happened to work out that I still had a huge pot, even after I divided the original recipe in half, so I offered it to the people I am staying with. The first guy took some and sat on the couch to eat. He had about 3 bites before he found a hair.

Justin: Oh, a PJ hair.

Me: Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry!

Justin: It’s ok, it adds flavor.

Me: … I’m sorry, that’s really gross.

He didn’t seem to be very bothered by it.

I, on the other hand, was completely disgusted and mortified. I’m pretty sure that is not sanitary. Also, hair is gross. I can’t stand having it in the bathroom, but almost eating it didn’t seem to bother these guys.

Justin continued eating the soup, then Dimitris and Noah went and got some, even after the gross hair. I almost threw the rest out, but decided that it was only my hair. If it had been anyone else’s I’d definitely have tossed it out the back, and probably been sick myself.

Ew.

Noah Likes to Talk

I have been entertaining myself by adding little favicons to all my favorites. I have spent far too much time selecting a suitable picture, cropping it to my liking, and then creating the icons. I should be trying to be productive. On the bright side, my computer is pretty now.

On a side note, I just named my computer Betty Sue. Don’t know why.

Today’s Exploit:

Noah.

Noah is a kid that is staying in the same trailer that I stay in.

Noah likes to talk, a lot.

Currently I am intimately aware of his feelings for the cold and his monthly cell phone bill, as those are his favorite topics.

My first time meeting Noah was not a normal introduction. He immediately started telling me about his new iPhone and how much he spends on texting, and how long his texts are. It was 17.3 minutes before I was able to get more than half a word in to ask his name.

He also tells me every time he sees me how cold it is outside. My answer is always, “hm.” Sometimes I wonder if he recognizes the fact that I go outside as well. And I have never once agreed with him. Granted it has been pretty cold for Texas, but I still think a sweatshirt and long sleeved shirt are sufficient. And I ditch the sweatshirt when I run. I know he has seen this.

Noah also likes to tell me these things first thing in the morning. It usually takes about an hour before I attempt to talk to anyone, but me not answering and basically ignoring him does not seem to deter his chatter. I’m not sure if he stops even after I have walked outside to go to my box.

Last night I was watching a movie. It was a movie I liked, not one of those blood-and-guts-and-gore and/or horror movies, so I actually wanted to WATCH it. This did not deter Noah either. He talked through the entire movie. I was trying so hard to ignore him that I ended up ignoring the movie as well. I have no idea what happened through 72% of the show.

I need to find some earplugs. If you have some available my address is:

Middle of Nowhere
South Texas, USA

Cheers,
PJ Darling

Thermostat Wars

I learned today that Florida is the only state that hasn’t gotten snow this year. I don’t know if it’s true, I didn’t look it up or check the news. But I think I believe it.

Today’s Exploit:

My topic of the day is the thermostat.

It is my nemesis. It allows the other people staying in the trailer to turn on the heater. Most of these people are from the south. Therefore much misery ensues, but only for me.

At night I usually turn the thermostat down to 67 or 68 degrees Fahrenheit. I think this is reasonable. Still warm enough to survive, but cool enough that I might be able to sleep some.

Last night I woke up thinking I was suffocating it was so hot. I’d thrown all my blankets off (one even hit the floor which means I have to wash it before I let it touch the bed again).

I got up and drank 2.8 glasses of water and checked the thermostat. It was on 78. And the guy who uses the trailer as his office was not inside. He turned the temperature up and left.

I was not happy.

But I decided to be nice and leave it. Only because I have a window A/C in my room.

I put a duffel over one vent, and a comforter over the other and in front of the door and turned that baby on full blast. I had to stand in the doorway leading outside while the unit got to churning out cold air.

It was amazing. I was able to breathe. And sleep.

The A/C is my bestest friend ever.

Arguing with Inanimate Objects

I am magic. See that little icon? That one up there, next to the web address? I did that! I also followed some instructions from this girl, but still, I’m magic.

Today’s Exploit:

Everyone likes a good fight now and then, right? I know I do. But I’m terrible at fighting with people, I always get tongue-tied and have to storm off to make up for it. Also I don’t get angry at people very often.

Electronics, on the other hand…

I mostly fight with my computer. It makes me angry all the time. It is slow and freezes at the most inconvenient moments. Sometimes it decides to not open one program, just one. It allows all the others to work normally.

So I yell at it. And I threaten it and growl at it. I’ve gotten so used to yelling and talking to it alone in my box that now I’ll do it when I have company.

They find it very entertaining.

I get a lot of comments about the computer answering, or asking if yelling and threatening helps.

Yes, yes it does. It helps me. Because if I yell at it I will be far less likely to throw it across the room, and then go stomp on it.

My computer is the worst.

Sometimes I fight with my GPS as well. His name is Timmy. He usually doesn’t make me want to throw him, unless he tells me to turn 0.2 miles before I have to be 4 lanes away at rush hour.

Usually we just argue about me taking shortcuts. He doesn’t like that. He repeatedly tells me, “Turn around when possible.” (I like to pretend that this is an in-depth conversation on good routes to take.)

Like the time I drove over the mountains because I know the way, instead of going all the way around and taking FOREVER. I was 30.2 miles from my destination before he decided that I didn’t need to turn around.

Or going through Dallas because traffic in Fort Worth is always terrible. But he thinks I should go that way because it’s .37 miles shorter.

But mostly we bicker good naturedly. (Naturedly is a very funny looking word. I’m rather surprised that it actually is a word. Also, word thinks I should bicker well naturedly.)

Dirty Old Man

My new trailer:

6 Boys

2 Mice (They're now attached to traps and outside. The boys were scared of them and wouldn’t let me touch them, so they suffered miserably because one was just caught by the nose. Sad)

6 Boys

Lots of mud

6 Boys, gross

13 Loose roof panels. (I know this because the wind has been blowing like crazy, and the roof makes LOTS of noise. It makes it hard to sleep even if the rain sounds nice.)

By the way, boys are terrible at cleaning up after themselves.

Today’s Exploit:

The other night I was invited to eat dinner in town with the Company Man, Herb and the Clerk (I don’t know what he does, I’ve never been to a rig with a clerk before), James and the DD, Ricky.

They told me: We’ll be ready in a few minutes.

Translation: After the football game with 2:45 left in the 4th quarter. Therefore be prepared to wait for hours.

Naturally I was ready in “a few minutes.” So I watched the last 2:45 minutes of the game and in that time learned Herb’s life story. I’d tell you, but it’s not terribly riveting.

Eventually we made it to the local diner. There’s just one. It also happens to be right next to the only bar. They told me the diner had good food so, of course, they were out of steaks, ham, cheese, and a few other things that made up most of their menu.

Since I wasn’t completely absorbed by my food, I spent the time making fun of Herb. He was drunk. And he’s a self proclaimed Dirty Old Man. Some of his comments:

“Poor baby, doesn’t have a butt.” About our waitress.

“Now, she has a pretty butt.” About the other waitress

“Look at it, tell me what you think.” Really?

“That one’s a big one, woo! A big one.”

He defended himself by saying that he wasn’t touching. On the other hand he didn’t care who heard his comments. Those poor waitresses.

After I laughed at him for most of the meal he told me:

“You’re cute, you know why? Because you just don’t care.”

I guess it’s working because we’re friends now. He likes to tell me stories and invite me to breakfast, which he doesn’t cook. James does.

Condo Shopping

I am sitting next to a guy wearing headphones to watch TV on his computer. He just barely realized that I have been hearing the show for the last 13.2 minutes as well.

Today’s Exploit:

After San Antonio I went to Austin to see my cousin. I haven’t seen her in 5 years. And we were both too distracted to talk that day.

We went to eat at a nearby Mexican restraint. It was lovely, and they had Texas Martinis. That was fun.

The next morning we went to IKEA. She told me, “IKEA isn’t a store, it’s an experience.”

She was right. I would have been completely lost without her as my tour guide. They had amazing kitchens that I wanted to take home with me. I want, I want.

After that I went downtown and explored. There were lots of bars and lots of expensive clothing shops. And I saw the infamous hot-sauce shop that my Austonian family always talked about.

I also looked at apartments. Downtown apartments. They were amazing. And probably out of my price range, but amazing.

They had windows. And lots of sun. And good views. And there were walking/running/bicycling paths right across the street, around a lake.  And they had swimming pools and gyms and all sorts of other fun stuff.

And the kitchens.

Wow.

I think I might be moving soon. I just need a better paying job.

PS:  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CUPCAKE!  You are now a dinosaur.

Along the Riverwalk

I am currently sharing a trailer with 6 men. Gross.

Today’s Exploit:

I had some days off between two jobs so I decided to be brave and explore. First I spent a day and a night in San Antonio. I explored the Alamo, and walked along the Riverwalk. It had potential.

At the moment they are cleaning the river, clearing out some of the sediment. So the riverbed has about a foot of murky water in the bottom, and lots of caution tape. But no guard rails. Therefore my conclusion is that they think people will walk into open space before they will walk into water.

Also it was overcast and misty most of the day making the sidewalk very slippery. Especially for me in my cowboy boots.

I was walking a long minding my own business when I slipped. And I happened to be right behind the only other person within 100.62 feet. He was terrified that I was going to knock him in since he was standing right at the edge of the sidewalk. Luckily, for both of us, that section of sidewalk was particularly wide and I had a large buffer zone.

Later, when I was eating dinner, I was sitting near some guys. So they started to talk to me. They work in the oil field also. One of them tried to pick me up. He was very offended when I wouldn’t let him walk me home. And he didn’t seem to notice that I moved away every time he attempted to touch me.

Boys are dense.

Free Beer and Chili-cheese Fries

Did I mention that I got a KitchenAid? And it’s red. And shiny and pretty and it purrs. And I really want to use it to make cookies and cakes and bread and cupcakes and maybe some other stuff. But, alas, it is at my little flat.

Today’s Exploit:

After a disastrous day of snowboarding Cupcake and I went to my parents’ house. And my mom made gingerbread to make us feel better.

At least I think it was that day that she made it.

Then my sister shocked and befuddled us all again by saying that she wanted to try again, skiing this time. Tomorrow.

So we made plans to meet at 9:30…And we failed again. We didn’t get started until around noon.

And we skied. We went down some green runs, and then I got her to go down some blue runs.

Then we took a break and went to the cafeteria for chili-cheese fries. Very gross, and slimy and you should try them.

Also we sat in the bar section and the manager of the ski area gave us free beers, even though neither of us had ID’s with us.

Then we skied some more and I made her go down a really hard hill. And we decided to go down one more run. And we had a very good day and no one fell.

Until we got down to the lodge and were taking our skis off.

Then cupcake fell, and floundered, and rolled around for 10.36 minutes before she was able to get her skis off.

I couldn’t help because I was laughing too hard, and trying not to fall on her when she grabbed me.

A Bit of a Shock

Firehouses have circular stairways because the engines were at a time pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor, and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

-Found here

Today’s Exploit:

A while ago, before my holiday, when I was home I took some cupcakes to the dance studio. This is not an un-common occurrence. I take something nearly every day I dance. This day, however, was the day that one of the instructors told me I should open a bakery. And he would back me.

I was rather stunned by that.

As in mouth-open-unable-to-speak-making-unintelligible noises stunned.

He also told me he would find a place and help me equip it. Amazing.

I gurgled a little bit.

He said, “No, really! I want to be a silent partner.”

I may have drooled.

Then he said we should talk the next time I’m in town.

And I went to dance with Shawn. I don’t think I was able to speak for my entire lesson.

Risky Business

I tried to be productive today, but the internet said “NO.” So I will write more posts, I guess. Doncha just love the internet?

Today’s Exploit:

We made plans to meet at 9:30 so that we could eat some Soon-To-Be-World-Famous-Sourdough-Pancakes and then leave for the ski hill by 10:00, in the morning. That was our first problem.

Cupcake doesn’t like mornings.

But amazingly enough she made it by 10:02:36 am. And she made the pancakes because everyone else was too lazy. My excuse is lack of sleep. My mom really had no excuse, but I think she said it was too cold in the house. Also cooking and eating the pancakes took longer than the expected half an hour, so we didn’t leave until after 11. Partly because we also had to get dressed, and snow pants can be difficult to get on when you’re still groggy.

We made it to the ski area by sometime around noon, and I got my pass and paid for my rentals. Then we met TJ. He had told our dad he’d give Cupcake ski lessons. But somehow that got turned around to mean that we’d both take snowboarding lessons. So we got some equipment and marched bravely into the painful world of hard snow and limited mobility.

TJ had us start out on a laughable little hill 9.82 feet long. We spent about an hour and a half on this hill falling and going the wrong direction and sitting down and standing up, a lot. We were practicing making S turns when Cupcake threw herself into a drift. I wasn’t even serious when I made that threat, but she thought she should get all snowy anyway. It was in exactly the same spot that TJ threw himself into the snow.

I laughed a lot, and she pouted. But I’m not sorry because she laughs at people falling off the lift all the time, or when they fall off their bicycles, or any other embarrassing moment they might have.

We finally made it to the bunny hill where we were able to ride the magic carpet instead of trudging up the hill 48 ½ times. Then we got really brave and got on the lift to try going down a real hill.

It turns out that going around to the green run is very difficult if you’re not willing to gain any momentum. It took us 45 minutes to get off to the sloped part of the run. Then it took us another 45 minutes to get the rest of the way down because we fell every 3.2 feet.

Then right at the very end of the run, where it was solid ice from so many skis and snowboards and melting and freezing again I got going pretty fast. And it was almost fun, until I hit a bump that put me off balance and made me catch the edge of the board and subsequently fall very hard on my tailbone. And I was going fast enough that I bounced and skidded a few feet before I stopped.
 

It felt like it looked sort of like this, but I probably wasn't going fast enough to make snow
fly over my head; and also I fell backwards instead of on my face.
Picture frm here.

I sat there for a while, trying to regain my composure and telling myself that it was just a little fall and I’d be fine. But the next day I knew I’d lied to myself when it hurt to sit down, and I couldn’t drive the car. And I pouted.

The end.

A Ski Trip

EFFING COLD TODAY!! Well, and yesterday, but today was super windy. In the negatives. Just so you know I’m not exaggerating.
-Cupcake, talking about her job

Today’s Exploit:

The first day of my holiday I went downhill skiing with my dad. I was very excited because I haven’t been skiing in, like, 7 years. At least that’s the way it feels living in a place that is hot and muggy 11.63 months of the year. That last little smidgen of time is almost tolerable, and I get to laugh at all the people who require insulated coveralls and down jackets in 60*F weather.

But I digress.

We went skiing and I got to see the office, and the locker room for the lifties, and buy goggles (My sister calls them gogs, that must be what the hardcore people call them. Not that my sister is hardcore, I recall a time, like, 7 years ago when she told me she was never going to ski again, but my adventures with her are for another time.)

I got all geared up in a borrowed wind jacket, and some stolen snow pants (calm down, we only stole them from my sister), and rented skis and boots. And my dad wore cross country skinny skis that are probably older than me, and most certainly older than my sister.

It was fantastic. I could keep up with him since he is too old fashioned to try SHAPED skis.

On a side note, while we were waiting in line for the lift, my sister attacked us.  And then she told me that she wanted to ski with me the next day.  And we almost fell over in shock. 

But really, it was amazing, because I went down the scary moguls just fine, AND HE FELL! Sadly I didn’t get to see it because he made me go first.

I think he knew it was going to happen. I should try to be more in tune to these things because it would have been way more exciting and fun and fantastic if I had seen him fall, and gotten to laugh at him.

But the adventure continues, because I got to see part of the safety meeting. And I got to see the shop or the garage or whatever with its 17 groomers, only 1 of which works.

And then we went home and my mom made Chicken with capers, and it was fantastic.

Business Class

I tried running again yesterday. I’ve been lazy since my holiday and haven’t run since 10 Dec. It hurts. My lungs protested yesterday, and I had to walk half the way back. And today my legs are protesting, they scream at my every time I try to move.

Today’s Exploit:

My first adventure on my trip home was fighting hives that erupted on any part of my skin that came into contact with anything else, including blankets, clothing, boots, my skin and my hair.

The second was searching all over Austin for a green iPod Nano. It seems that green is a most popular color and only 8 of the 48,000 Best Buy stores had them in stock. I think I went to 536 of them before I managed to find one.

Oh, lookie! Your hair was so short!
Also, you make a very good duck.

Then I thought about going ice skating and having a mall adventure, but my mom convinced me to change my flight and leave a day early. (Looking back I am very thankful, malls during the holidays are horrific, and I don’t do well in them at the best of times.) Also I was tired from being awake for 30 hours. So I got to the airport early and slept in one of the most uncomfortable chairs ever.

But then I boarded the plane and discovered that I was in business class instead of coach; and no one was sitting next to me. It was amazing. I had all the room in the world! And they give you cookies.

I took full advantage of this by scrunching myself into a corner to sleep some more. This resulted in more hives where I had my arms crossed and where my jacket touched me.

Then when I arrived in Denver I had to use my jacket! It was rather novel, needing to wear a jacket.

My parents picked me up and we went to Good Times for their amazing Frozen Custard Malts.

Mmmmm. I want another.

Thanksmas

I think I had a dream about posting on my blog, because I vaguely remember thinking “I should remember this for my blog,” and it was something fantastic. But then when I think back over what’s happened to me the past …um, ages…and I don’t find anything noteworthy. It must have been a really fantastic and hilarious dream.

Today’s Exploit:

Shortly after my last post I got to go home to see my family and spend a week in a place that is actually cold. I got to play in the snow, and see friends, and beat my dad up while wearing ice skates (He said “Roller Derby rules”, which apparently means “no rules” so it was his own fault).

This was my favorite sweatshirt ever, it is currently mouldering in
some dank corner at a rig where I accidentally left it in the dryer.

I didn’t push my sister into a drift; she did that all on her own.

I also got to see behind the scenes at a ski area, albeit a VERY small one.

I made smoked salmon pâté and listened to crazy stories and walked around outside with shorts and no shoes.

I reveled in the fact that I actually got cold. I spent most of the week in long underwear and snowpants that were 3.2 sizes to big making them “boarder pants” I even snowboarded.

And we had Thanksmas. Since I can’t ask for holidays off we made our own. Pretty soon we’ll have one for every month. (We started with Pickle-Cake Day: 14 May. It is celebrated by taking adventurous trips with your sister.)

Thanksmas is mostly like Christmas but it doesn’t have an exact date, like Thanksgiving. The only requirement is that it takes place between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

In other words it was lots of fun, and I really miss the snow. Does anyone want to take my place in Texas and Oklahoma for a while?

PS Happy New Year, and all that Jazz.