No More House

This week’s recommended reading:

Today’s Exploit:

We had the inspection for the house the other day.

I was so excited to go back and take pictures, to make plans for how to re-do and to decorate the rooms. 

Sadly, the first thing I heard when I got to the house was that the inspector had done a preliminary check, and every major system in the house was failing. So I went around and looked at the rooms and did some imagining.

But then I had the meeting where he told me everything that needed to be fixed. The list was endless and he didn’t even go into detail.

We started outside and talked about how the roof needed major repairs, possibly replaced. And the roof support structure needed to be replaced to support a new/repaired roof. The roof needed to be replaced to prevent any more water damage to the upper ceiling. Due to the water damage there is a possible mold problem in the bedrooms. 

The exterior of the house is covered with wood rot, and everything was hand made, so the only way to match it is to have it made. Also, it has extensive evidence of termite damage, so most likely all wood parts on the house will need to be replaced. Additionally, the house is not level, and the sub-structure has termite damage, and has been improperly repaired multiple times in the past.

All of the systems in the house are failing and were improperly installed as well: the electrical, the plumbing, the HVAC system. All of these have remnants of the previous version of the installation, excess wires, old pipes (possibly even lead pipes remain), and damaged air vents. 

After hearing all of this, and being completely overloaded with information, I went and waited for the official report. I also had a nice long talk with H. about what this house would require to just keep it from deteriorating even more.

We decided that this house, while amazing and lovely and historically awesome, is not one we want to tackle as our first house. 

So we are back on the hunt for something that I can stand to live in without tearing apart completely.

Wish me luck, I need some.

Texas Style Adventure

My classes are feeling never-ending. I just want these last two weeks to be done. And then I’ll be finished, and no more worthless papers. 

Today’s Exploit:

I made a friend. 

And it wasn’t a tortoise or cow or fuzzy red ant, which, by the way, I have learned are actually wingless wasps and REALLY nasty. 

Ashley is from Florida. She is staying with the company man and she is going to run a marathon in November. 

We went walking because she forgot her running shoes.

On this walk we came across a bull in the road. On the other side of the fence was another, much younger bull. 

We slowed down and I yelled at them so that the one in the road would move. It did, about 10 feet further down the road.

After about 3.2 repeats of this process Ashley decided that the bull might charge us and wanted to be prepared. She found a large hunk of wood and carried it with her for the next half mile while we tried to convince the bull to leave the road long enough for us to walk by. I am not sure why this seemed like it would be a good idea. She claimed that her grandparents owned a ranch. But I didn’t think the bull was going to charge us, either. 

Eventually we made it to the gate and she thought it was safe to drop the hunk of wood. 

The bull decided to leave the road long enough for us to pass on the way back, but the cows on the other side of the fence thought it would be funny to run down the fence line just far enough ahead of us that we were in a dust cloud for half a mile. 

When we finally left the dust cloud behind, Ashley decided that her shoes hurt her feet and took them off. She walked 1.24 miles back to the rig in her socks. 

Thankfully she didn’t step on any of those nasty fuzzy red ants/wasps.

The Texas Bug Experience

I have a trainee. Some things he picks up really fast. 

But sometimes I’m left scratching my head in complete awe at how dumb he can be.

Today’s Exploit:

I have been having bug experiences this year.

Everyone has been telling me about how Texas has tarantulas EVERYWHERE! AHH!

But I haven’t seen a single one in 4.12 years in this oven.

Until last week.

Since last week I have seen about 17, Followed 2 around, watched the DD harass one with a stick and probably ran over 2 in Starla because they moved the wrong way when I tried not to squish them.

I have also learned how to catch them in a plastic cup, but I haven’t tested that lesson yet.

In other news I have seen a 7.863 inch long, poisonous centipede and an unknown millipede of the same length. Both were about as big around as one of my fingers. 

Exhibit A: The poisonous one. It has long creepy legs.

Exhibit 2: The unknown one. It has a bazillion short creepy legs.

AAAAHHHH! They’re EVERYWHERE!

My strawberry preserves are pretty syrupy, but they are really good on ice cream, with some chocolate. And they are good on scones and waffles.

Today’s Exploit:

The other week I did yard work. I think I mentioned a garden.

The other thing that happened was an infestation.

We were out in the yard and Klay was trying out the weed puller tool. And like any kid (I know I did it a time or two), he managed to throw a lot of dirt in his own face. So I took him into the bathroom where he panicked when I tried to use eyedrops to get the dirt out of his eyes and was just fine with “water” being dropped in his eyes. 

While we were all crowded in there trying to get the dirt out a dog came in. The neighbor dog digs under the fence and H. left the door open inviting it in. The dog was lead out, and the dirt crisis was managed and all was good until H. noticed a tickle.

He found a tick on his side.

Ew.

He killed it with a lighter and started making dinner.

Then he found another one.

We couldn’t decide if this was from working in the yard, because I didn’t seem to have any, or from the dog.

Upon inspection the wall by the back door had several ticks, and the bathroom had more than desirable.  

We thought it must be the dog, since they were mostly where the dog had been.

But then H. went to the garage and shook his shirt out and several more fell off.  

Gah.

Nothing like the creepy-crawlies right before going to bed.

That night he sprayed the yard with tick-and-other-bug spray, and watched as multitudes tried to climb up the wall to escape.

Turns out it was the yard and the crazy-super-tall-spiky-poky plants he’d been pulling. 

The next day he sprayed again, and again.

The back patio looked like a rain storm, just before too many raindrops fall and all the concrete turns dark with the wet.

SO MANY!

I also spent that night going over the hallway and the bedroom inch by inch with a flashlight, a paper and a candle to make sure that they were not going to attack in the night.

Everywhere.

I get the creepies just thinking about it.

A Zoo Visit

I left my plants with my sister, hoping that she would water them. Since I was really nice and watered hers twice while she was in Wyoming.

She promptly tried to kill Myrtle, and I had to have her shaved.

Cupcake calls her a rebel now.

Today’s Exploit:

I went to the San Antonio Zoo with my sister. 

Cupcake likes flamingoes. 

She tried to be a butterfly. 

Butterfly and baby

Did you know butterflies like sweet tea and sunglasses?

She also thought it would be funny to take pictures of me with animal butts. 

Hippo Butt

Rhino But

There's a Zebra Butt hiding behind the fence and next to that charming hut

And we were stalked by the same three immature college boys, and no matter how we tried to get ahead, or behind, or take a different route, they were ALWAYS THERE!

Attack of the Spider

I have, surprisingly, not been harassed mercilessly by Matt about nearly killing George with my deadly pasta. I fully expect to meet a total stranger on my next trip to a big city that knows the story, though. I think he told everyone he knew.

Today’s Exploit:

I noticed some spider nests in the upper corners of my doorway a while ago, just before Cupcake came to visit. She was overjoyed by the fact that I had spiky egg-sacs living in both corners. She would stand about 3.2 feet away and eye them suspiciously before sprinting through the door as fast as she could while Arley held it open for her. I would have made her open the door herself. 

Anyway, I decided that I should probably move the nests to some place else, because I didn’t want spiders hatching all over my door and getting into my house. I have enough of them hanging out in there already. 

I prepared myself with a piece of cardboard and a piece of sand paper, because those are the required spider catching materials. Then I took a deep breath at tried to gently remove the egg-sacs from the corner.

It turns out that Widows (I now know that Widows can be identified by their spiky egg-sacs) do not make delicate webs and egg-sacs. They make something more along the lines of scratchy-sticky wool/kevlar nests that do not like to let go. So I scraped a little harder with my cardboard, the sand paper held up to catch anything I dislodged. 

Suddenly I did dislodge something, something that hit the sand paper, rolled down it and flew of with a trajectory to my exposed cleavage (this is Texas people, and Texas is HOT! I wear the smallest tanks I can find when I am not “really” in public and standing outside my front door does not count as public). Luckily it hit me and bounced off landing about a foot away from my foot. I squeaked and did a panic dance and then started to investigate. 

My attacker was not large, considering I had a pet Black Widow with a body about the size of a quarter living in my garage (that might be a slight exaggeration, but not by much). But she was brown, with dots and swirls on her back. AND SHE HAD AN ORANGE HOURGLASS! This beast is a Brown Widow, which the internet says are more poisonous but less aggressive than their black sisters. Naturally I had to go get my camera and take some nice photos to prove that I wasn’t making this story up.

After retrieving my camera I chased her around my breezeway trying to get not-blurry photos. Naturally she came to and was being quite feisty by the time I had my camera and would not cooperate with me when I tried to take a picture of her belly. 

After torturing her in this manner for about 5.7 minutes I carted her, on my sand paper, over to the dumpster and released her, shortly to be followed by her egg-sacs, which are not near as fragile as most of those I’ve seen. 

Then I went back to remove the second nest from the doorway. This removal went much smoother, and I discovered that it also housed a Brown Widow. Which I’m told is pretty rare, Matt couldn’t believe that I’d actually seen two together, and that they were both nesting in my doorway.

As soon as I finished moving the nests I went and requested that the pest removal guy come take care of my doorway, and spray for the ants on my porch while he’s at it. 

Attack of the Sugar Ants

I just had to write a paper selling something. So, naturally, I chose Hello Kitty backpacks. Nerdy Hello Kitty, no less. When looking up reviews of this product I found some lovely gems that were something along these lines:

OMG! Hello Kitty is, like, so cool and I (heart) her so much! I totally, like, love this backpack and everyone should, like, totally get one to be as cool as I am now! OMG It's so exciting and I love it so much, everyone in, like, all my, like, classes is going to be, like, so totally jealous that I got this, like, totally awesome backpack. (;

Except with worse grammar, capitalization, punctuation and emoticons.

Today’s Exploit:

I had a nice long break between my last one and this one. Almost 2 1/2 weeks! In that time I worked on shelves (I’m ALMOST done), ran a long way WITH OTHER PEOPLE, and fought some ants that took up residence in my closet on my porch. I think I almost got rid of them, but we’ll see when I get back.

In the mean time. I arrived at the rig to find all my boxes piled up and ready to be unpacked. Which I did, in the heat, all by myself. I put the computers in the box, along with all of the cables and nonsense that needs to be hooked up. I ran cables to my sensor and a separate monitor, and I set up the satellite. By then I was nice and soaked from sweat and covered in dust from crawling around on the floor and sitting in the dirt to untangle some cables. 

My night hand arrived in time to run one last cable and set up his own computer while I showered and got some dinner. When I came back to the box, after a few hours, to set up some computer files I was assaulted by itty bitty sugar ants. These things like to bite. And then you feel all creepy-crawly with phantom ants for about 6.32 hours. 

After the one bit my hand I looked around to discover that they were EVERYWHERE! They were in Logan’s keyboard, on and under his mousepad, under all of the computers in mass quantities and hiding individually under cables. 

I killed 487.

Then I went and got some bleach, because I heard a rumor that they don’t like strong smells cause it means they can’t follow their neighbor’s trail.  

After about 2 hours of alternately killing mass quantities of ants and spraying the heck out of the counter and any possible entry space I started to feel sick from the fumes and gave up for the night. I still have to kill one or two every day, but it’s much better than being swarmed by them every time I try to work at any of the 172.6 computers. 

And now I have the creepy-crawlies again.  Gah.

Sunrise

I found my flyswatter.  Time to do battle with the mosquitoes.

Today’s Exploit:

The Fly Capital of the World

Whew, this is three posts I’ve written today.  I’m worn out.  I think I need a nap.

Today’s Exploit:

This place is the fly capital of the world, I think.  I shoed 7 out the door, killed 10 and still had 17 buzzing around my head and landing on my cinnamon rolls.  

Gross.  

And that’s inside.  

Outside...

Mostly it’s ok because the wind is blowing at a hurricane force gail most of the time.  It’s nice because it’s some movement of the air in this incessant heat.  And it keeps most of the creepy-crawlies away.

But,

In front of our trailer, the one that is hiding behind the other crew trailer.  There was a sewage leak, and the other trailer shelters it from the wind.  

The flies gather in swarms.

Gross.

I Didn’t Check on the Bird

The little dog with the green head? It has an attention span the size of a gnat’s step. I’ll walk across location, and it will see me and start running my direction. But halfway to me it will notice someone or something else and veer off in that direction. I don’t know if it’s capable of completing a thought.

Today’s Exploit:

I hit a bird today.

It almost made me cry.

It was the first animal I have hit while driving Starla. I think Starla wanted to cry too, but probably more because the bird punched her.

I haven’t hit an animal in a vehicle since that bird I hit while driving the van. I think I was 16. Mom was with me. She ducked and flinched more than I did.

Thankfully Starla has no lasting injuries. The bird probably didn’t make it. I didn’t stop to see. It’s a Prison zone, remember?

Kolache!

The vampire crickets are multiplying. I’m pretty sure that 47.2% of the crickets I see are vampires. And 12.8% attack me. Always at my neck. They never attack my leg or arm, like they do everyone else. They ALWAYS attack my NECK!

Today’s Exploit:

Today I went to breakfast with some roughnecks. They were amazed that I didn’t know what a Kolache was. They talked about how good they were and how to order them and on and on. To order:

1: Order a kolache.

2: The waiter asks “Wi chee?”

3: Yes or no

4: “You wa wam?

5: Yes or no

Turns out that the Donut Palace is the only place that sells these glorified pigs-in-blankets. The Donut Palace is a Chinese donut shop chain. The one we went to also happened to be a Seafood and Steak place.

Kolaches are sausages with cheese bits in them, similar to what you might find at a grocery market, wrapped in frozen croissant dough and baked. I managed to finish mine, but I have had my fill of sausage for the next two years.

Just Friends

I was just attacked by a vampire cricket! I was minding my own business going over to the trailer when I felt something hit my in the neck. I put my hand up to brush it away, and it tried to bite me. I squeaked and threw it on the ground. I was too stunned to find a stake for it. Now I’m afraid to leave my box. I can still feel where it attacked me!

Today’s Exploit:

The past few nights the motor man, who waves every time he goes by, has come into my shack and talked at me. He talks at me for hours. I guess its okay, because mostly he’s funny.

He tells me about embarrassing things the rest of the crew has done, and his first experience on a jet, and about Disney Princesses. Also about western novels. I was very entertained and enjoyed the company.

Then the DD came in. Now every time he talks to me, the DD, he teases me about my admirer. I find it irritating.

Also, now I’m rather uncomfortable having the motor man around. Why couldn’t let me think we’re just friends? Boo.

The Tractor Story

Friday night I saw several bugs that I hadn’t seen before. The first one I followed around for a while. It was about an inch and a half long, and red and black striped, but it was too fast to focus on very well. When I explained it this is what they told me it was.

Photo from here.

I don’t remember it having that many stripes, but the general shape is about right.

Then PawPaw, one of the roughnecks, brought a beetle into the dog house while I was there. It had huge, serrated pincers. A couple of the guys entertained themselves by trying to get their fingers between the pincers.

Photo from here.

They weren’t successful, but it would have served them right if they were. The beetle was about three inches long, and the pincers another two inches.

Today’s Exploit:

The past few days I have just been waiting for a run to finish so that I can be useful again. After they got stuck they had to do a “wiper run” to clean the hole. They didn’t use my tool for that run, so my life was meaningless for those three days.

During that time I spent a lot of time in the dog house, listening to stories. Mac told many stories about riding various ATVs. The one I remember most was about a trip he took with his girlfriend.

They were out riding in a very remote area and he let her drive. One thing led to another and somehow they wrecked resulting in Mac’s foot being trapped under the vehicle. He was not in a position that he could provide leverage to move it, and his girlfriend was too small to do it.

Mac:  I was stuck there, with my foot trapped for about half an hour before we got help. And then I got run over by a tractor.

Me:  …

That last line left me speechless.

Somehow that was a lead-in for another story, about how the tractor incident came about. But his line reminded me of my sister’s line: and then I found five dollars, which she used to make a boring story more interesting.

Monster Killer Bugs

The other night I was walking across location when Todd called to me. When I went to se what he wanted he asked if I wanted some watermelon. I said that I would have a piece, so he started getting it out of the bag. I turned away, and when I looked back he’d taken out half of a watermelon to give me.

Me: I don’t need that much!

Todd: Well, just take it and toss what you don’t want.

Me: Ok?

Today’s Exploit:

While riding in the jeep we encountered some of the bugs that chase me as I run. We had the windows down and two of the flies got in. They immediately began buzzing around our heads. Logan grabbed a hat and started swinging it around. I was cowering in the corner trying not to be smacked by the hat while Logan hit every surface he could come into contact with.

They finally flew out and we shut the windows as fast as we could.

Me: They’re monsters, aren’t they?

Logan: Yeah! They’re Killer Monster Bugs!

We drove a little further before we heard the buzzing again.

Logan: The killer monster bugs are back!

He started swing around again until he stunned it. Then he got a flashlight out to find it and squish it.

Every time we stopped or had to roll the windows down to see after that we did it as quick as possible.

Story Telling

This morning I met a raccoon. It was standing in the little road I was running on when I came around a corner. I saw a dark grey object and stopped really fast. My first thought was, “Crap, it’s a wild pig. And it’s looking at me.” The second thought I had was, “where’s the nearest tree I can climb?” Little Buddy had run a couple steps past me before she saw it and stopped.

The raccoon took us in, then ran to the nearest tree and started climbing. Little Buddy thought this was a good reaction and raced over to the tree where she bounced and barked until she was sure it wouldn’t come down.

Today’s Exploit:

Last night I spend a lot of time on the rig floor, because my box was very dull and I can do the same job of watching the computer up there. Logan, the driller, and Billy Joe were up there. I pulled up a stool and listened to them swap stories. Those guys were crazy kids. I think they may still be pretty crazy, but I only ever see them working.

First we talked about the flying-stinging-scorpions. That’s what they call the monster flies that chase me every morning. I guess if you take the time to look closer they have a similar stinger. I don’t think I’m ever going to take that time. They’d probably have one act as a distraction while five others went in for the kill.

Billy Joe was telling us about his adventures after breaking his jaw (he was back on his fourwheeler a couple days later doing “water-wheelies”) when he realized that it was the only bone he’d ever broken.

Billy Joe: I ain’t never broken a bone, but my jaw.

Logan: I’ve only broken my shoulder, and my collar bone, and my elbow. And my ankle, three times.

Me: Only?

Them: Haha

Me: I’ve never broken a bone, just my nose, twice.

They then asked me how I’d done that, and looked at me like I was the crazy one when I told them.

One in the Eye

Today it rained. A lot. It had pretty much stopped when I went to the safety meeting, but it was still drizzling a little. After the meeting I was behind Billy Joe as we walked out. He stopped at the door and just looked out for 37 seconds, assessing the weather.

Me: Are you afraid of the rain?

Billy Joe: I might melt!

Me: Are you made of sugar?

Billy Joe: No, I’m too sour for that.

Me: Hahaha

Today’s Exploit:

This place must have something in the water to make some monstrous flies. It also has something in the air that makes me think that they won’t bother me quite as much today.

A few days ago I was running along and decided to take a little break and walk for a few seconds. I took a step and something caught my eye. I looked down and there they were… eight of the biggest flies I HAD EVER SEEN! I think they were as big as my thumb! And they all wanted to eat me! I tried turning really fast to confuse them, but they were not deterred. They followed my poor calves like they were on leashes. I ran really fast for the rest of that outing.

Today the flies were kamikaze flies. The first one attacked me when I was looking to my right at a section of pipeline. It flew right INTO MY EYE. I turned my head so fast to escape the torture that my shoulders went with it, and my hips followed causing my knee to swing into the path of the other and making me nearly to trip over my own feet.

Just as I regained my balance another attacked my ear. It buzzed around for 0.26 seconds, until I could swat it out. I was very tempted to kill it, but then I probably would have gotten FLY GUTS IN MY EAR! Eew.

A few others put on their kamikaze hats, too, but none were as successful as those two.

Biting Flies

This morning I read an entry in EPBOT, the new blog by the author of Cake Wrecks. She listed some blogs that she likes, so I scanned through a couple of them. They were okay, humorous, but none really grabbed my attention until I got to Hyperbole and a Half. This one sucked me in. My eyes blurred and I had tears streaming down my face before I was halfway through the first post. Hyperbole and a Half is my new favorite blog, which means that I will spend the next 11 hours and 37 minutes reading it incessantly. This also means that I will forget to do anything remotely connected to my job.

Today’s Exploit:

This morning I went for a short run. I wanted to warm up for today’s workout video. I grabbed my hat, to divert flies from attacking my head in swarms and headed out. I made it 16 ½ steps before I nearly inhaled my first fly. It was one of those flies that will take a huge chunk of your flesh and leave a welt the size of a small marble on the back of your head. I choked and gagged and spit it out, covering myself in saliva in the process.

I cleaned myself up and started out again. I covered 0.0237 miles before the second fly hit me in the face, narrowly missing my mouth. I gagged and spit and slobbered all over myself in remembrance of the first one.

I got another 3 steps in before the next one flew into my mouth. I hacked and gagged and choked and, finally, spit the dang thing out.

Me: WHAT IS WITH THE FLIES TODAY?!

Little Buddy: *Head cocked* (was that a squirrel I heard?)

I ran the rest of the way with one hand in front of my mouth and the other swinging furiously at any fly, dust mote or sparkle that came within range.

I still managed to nearly eat three more flies, each time slobbering all over myself. When I returned from my 20 minute run I was drenched, but it was mostly drool.

While I wasn’t choking on flies I spent the rest of my run changing directions. I met 3.75 more cars than I had any desire to (4 passed me). The only way I’ve found to get Little Buddy out of the way is to turn around. That’s the only way I can get her to actually come to me on a run.

UPDATE:  This post really tickles me, mostly because of the title.  It makes me giggle with the double meaning every time I look at it.