Getting the Boot

This morning I went to breakfast with some rig hands. Not the ones that invited me to buy theirs. We went to a little Mexican place. It was very good. I got some Eggs Rancheros. And I even ate the eggs. And I ate some amazing salsa hot sauce. (I've been informed that salsa is a dance, if it has peppers in it its hot sauce)

When we were leaving one of the guys told me that the waitress recognized him from a year ago, and remembered his name. So, for some reason, he decided he had to tell her that I am his wife. Apparently she made him a little nervous.

Today’s Exploit:

When I got to this rig they were tripping pipe, so I didn’t have much to do until late at night. It wasn’t until shortly before I really needed them that I discovered that one of my steel toed boots was missing. So I faked it. I wore some other boots I happened to bring with me. And I hoped really hard that there wouldn’t be too much mud. Or that someone would notice that they didn’t have steel toes.

The next morning I ran to Wal-Mart, the most torturous store in the universe, to find some replacements. The smallest size they had was men’s size 7. I probably wear 5.5. They also only had slip ons. Sorta like cowboy boots, but not as cool.

So now I am tromping around in boots that are 3 sizes too big and not legal according to the company I work for. I am lucky I haven’t ended up on my nose about 53 times.

Please cross your fingers that my right boot is at home on my floor, waiting for me to go back and find it.

Also, I have some crocs that I use inside the trailer. I had them outside to make changing a little easier. Now I only have one. I’m pretty sure the rig dog stole it. The upside is that she stole the left shoe. Now I can wear the right one with my left steel toed boot.

Flash Dance

Tonight I was bored, so I wandered up to the rig floor. I was talking with some of the hands when the driller asked where I was taking them for breakfast.

Driller: What time do you get relief?

Me: Six.

Driller: Okay, where are you taking us for breakfast?

Me: Where do you want to go?

Driller: What?

Me: WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?

Driller: IHOP? Okay.

Today’s Exploit:

When I got up today I puttered around for a while doing a workout and taking a shower. After my shower I was digging in my duffel to find some clothes when I heard something on the stairs. (My room has an outside door and one to the hallway) I looked up trying to figure out what it was.

Then my door opened!

There I was with my hair dripping in my face and nothing on but a towel, staring at some stranger that thought my door was the main door.

We both stared in shock for a beat before he closed the door and ran away. My next move was to lock the door. Next I felt relieved that I still was wearing my towel.

The guys I live with are still making fun of me for this episode.

Migrating

I was attacked by an overweight Basset Hound yesterday. It was out walking with its person, when it saw me. It was so excited that it jumped all over me and went rooo roooo Roooooo! Then it stepped on my foot. And I was wearing sandals. Ouchie!

Today's Exploit:

 I got an email a month ago saying that I needed to migrate to a new version of Microsoft. I opened the instructions and got started. It seemed relatively straight forward. It started working, but then it stopped, and wouldn't go any further. Then I had to go to a rig.

At the rig I tried calling IT to have them finish the process for me. The worked on my computer for about four hours and seven deleted programs before telling me they couldn't help because I was on a rig and didn't have a proper internet connection. They said to call again as soon as I got to an office. I don't think they realize how infrequent my office trips are.

Also, those programs they deleted? I kinda use them daily. So I had to go a month trying to find ways around using those programs. Those ones such as Word, or Excel. Or the most important one Outlook.

I finally was able to go to an office and make them fix it. And it took 20 minutes. It should have taken about that long to begin with. But now I have super Word. And it has a blogging feature. And I blame it if this post doesn't work.

The End.

Embellishments

I get to go home in 4.1 days!  Let the countdown begin!

Today’s Exploit:

Yesterday I got to the wonderful Corpus Christi rig. Since arriving I have met three new people. I have also spent nearly two hours with each listening to their life’s story. Mostly they narrated the stories very badly; therefore the stories were amazingly dull. One, however, came up with some amazing stories. So amazing that I’m not sure I believe them.

For example, He fell from four stories, while in the Navy, and shattered his leg and nearly had to amputate. Now it is made of plastic and titanium. In order to get it fixed his sister called the guy who sold the life insurance policy to the Buffalo Bills and he talked to their lead medic. When the Navy wouldn’t pay to have the experimental surgery, the Buffalo Bills owner sent his entire medical staff to perform the procedure.

Next he began managing restaurants. After increasing the income for a particular pizza place he was offered a managerial position for a four star place in a tropical location. Here he met and catered a party for a very well known basketball player, while ogling Catherine Zeta-Jones. From there he moved to Italy, Greece, and Austria.

After all these prestigious positions, he decided to quit and get his Associates and start working in the oil industry.

I am not sure what to think…

Cinderella, by Roald Dahl

Something reminded me of being on the speech team recently. Remembering the speech team makes me think of Cinderella. Because that was the best piece I did. So I looked it up. And I found it!

This was the one thing that I could do to have EVERYONE rolling on the floor laughing.  Usually I was to self concious and hid in the background.  I may have to have another speech recital...


Today’s Exploit:

Once upon a time…no, that’s not how it goes.
Long ago and far away…no, that’s not it either.
In a magnificent kingdom lived…no, no no.
Oh, yes, that’s it…
Cinderella by Roald Dahl

I guess you think you know this story.
You don't. The real one's much more gory.
The phoney one, the one you know,
Was cooked up years and years ago,
And made to sound all soft and sappy
just to keep the children happy.
Mind you, they got the first bit right,
The bit where, in the dead of night,
The Ugly Sisters, jewels and all,
Departed for the Palace Ball,
While darling little Cinderella
Was locked up in a slimy cellar,
Where rats who wanted things to eat,
Began to nibble at her feet.

She bellowed 'Help!' and 'Let me out!
The Magic Fairy heard her shout.
Appearing in a blaze of light,
She said: 'My dear, are you all right?'
'All right?' cried Cindy .'Can't you see
'I feel as rotten as can be!'
She beat her fist against the wall,
And shouted, 'Get me to the Ball!
'There is a Disco at the Palace!
'The rest have gone and I am jealous!
'I want a dress! I want a coach!
'And earrings and a diamond brooch!
'And silver slippers, two of those!
'And lovely nylon panty hose!
'Done up like that I'll guarantee
'The handsome Prince will fall for me!'
The Fairy said, 'Hang on a tick.'
She gave her wand a mighty flick
And quickly, in no time at all,
Cindy was at the Palace Ball!

It made the Ugly Sisters wince
To see her dancing with the Prince.
She held him very tight and pressed
herself against his manly chest.
The Prince himself was turned to pulp,
All he could do was gasp and gulp.
Then midnight struck. She shouted,'Heck!
I've got to run to save my neck!'
The Prince cried, 'No! Alas! Alack!'
He grabbed her dress to hold her back.
As Cindy shouted, 'Let me go!'
The dress was ripped from head to toe.

She ran out in her underwear,
And lost one slipper on the stair.
The Prince was on it like a dart,
He pressed it to his pounding heart,
'The girl this slipper fits,' he cried,
'Tomorrow morn shall be my bride!
I'll visit every house in town
'Until I've tracked the maiden down!'
Then rather carelessly, I fear,
He placed it on a crate of beer.

At once, one of the Ugly Sisters,
(The one whose face was blotched with blisters)
Sneaked up and grabbed the dainty shoe,
And quickly flushed it down the loo.
Then in its place she calmly put
The slipper from her own left foot.
Ah ha, you see, the plot grows thicker,
And Cindy's luck starts looking sicker.

Next day, the Prince went charging down
To knock on all the doors in town.
In every house, the tension grew.
Who was the owner of the shoe?
The shoe was long and very wide.
(A normal foot got lost inside.)
Also it smelled a wee bit icky.
(The owner's feet were hot and sticky.)
Thousands of eager people came
To try it on, but all in vain.
Now came the Ugly Sisters' go.
One tried it on. The Prince screamed, 'No!'
But she screamed, 'Yes! It fits! Whoopee!
'So now you've got to marry me!'
The Prince went white from ear to ear.
He muttered, 'Let me out of here.'
'Oh no you don't! You made a vow!
'There's no way you can back out now!'
'Off with her head!'The Prince roared back.
They chopped it off with one big whack.
This pleased the Prince. He smiled and said,
'She's prettier without her head.'
Then up came Sister Number Two,
Who yelled, 'Now I will try the shoe!'
'Try this instead!' the Prince yelled back.
He swung his trusty sword and smack
Her head went crashing to the ground.
It bounced a bit and rolled around.
In the kitchen, peeling spuds,
Cinderella heard the thuds
Of bouncing heads upon the floor,
And poked her own head round the door.
'What's all the racket? 'Cindy cried.
'Mind your own bizz,' the Prince replied.
Poor Cindy's heart was torn to shreds.
My Prince! she thought. He chops off heads!
How could I marry anyone
Who does that sort of thing for fun?

The Prince cried, 'Who's this dirty slut?
'Off with her nut! Off with her nut!'
Just then, all in a blaze of light,
The Magic Fairy hove in sight,
Her Magic Wand went swoosh and swish!
'Cindy! 'she cried, 'come make a wish!
'Wish anything and have no doubt
'That I will make it come about!'
Cindy answered, 'Oh kind Fairy,
'This time I shall be more wary.
'No more Princes, no more money.
'I have had my taste of honey.
I'm wishing for a decent man.
'They're hard to find. D'you think you can?'
Within a minute, Cinderella
Was married to a lovely feller,
A simple jam maker by trade,
Who sold good home-made marmalade.
Their house was filled with smiles and laughter
And they were happy ever after.

Um, Mace?

We finally finished drilling, and I’m really excited to leave this rig. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they won’t call me to another one before I leave. I’m trying to stay under the radar. Keep your fingers crossed, too. Help me escape the horrors of living in a trailer.

Today’s Exploit:

This morning my friend left. I’m not sure if I want to call him friend, but he was a pretty constant companion for the last few nights. He talked all the time, and was amusing, but after about three hours I was ready to sit in the quiet and read my book. He stayed another three. The only reason he left was to shower and go home. Otherwise he would have hung around and added to the people I had to wade through to get out of the box in the morning.

This evening I found out that the day crew does not much like him. The DD said that they bought a can of Mace for me to get rid of him. I think it’s rather hilarious that they dislike him that much. Mostly he just talks a lot about how cool he is.

Turns out guys get tired of that after a while. I do too. But now I get to go home. And sleep in my bed. And make cupcakes. And dance. And play Frisbee in the incessant Oklahoma evening heat. Yay summertime in the south.

Kolache!

The vampire crickets are multiplying. I’m pretty sure that 47.2% of the crickets I see are vampires. And 12.8% attack me. Always at my neck. They never attack my leg or arm, like they do everyone else. They ALWAYS attack my NECK!

Today’s Exploit:

Today I went to breakfast with some roughnecks. They were amazed that I didn’t know what a Kolache was. They talked about how good they were and how to order them and on and on. To order:

1: Order a kolache.

2: The waiter asks “Wi chee?”

3: Yes or no

4: “You wa wam?

5: Yes or no

Turns out that the Donut Palace is the only place that sells these glorified pigs-in-blankets. The Donut Palace is a Chinese donut shop chain. The one we went to also happened to be a Seafood and Steak place.

Kolaches are sausages with cheese bits in them, similar to what you might find at a grocery market, wrapped in frozen croissant dough and baked. I managed to finish mine, but I have had my fill of sausage for the next two years.

Just Friends

I was just attacked by a vampire cricket! I was minding my own business going over to the trailer when I felt something hit my in the neck. I put my hand up to brush it away, and it tried to bite me. I squeaked and threw it on the ground. I was too stunned to find a stake for it. Now I’m afraid to leave my box. I can still feel where it attacked me!

Today’s Exploit:

The past few nights the motor man, who waves every time he goes by, has come into my shack and talked at me. He talks at me for hours. I guess its okay, because mostly he’s funny.

He tells me about embarrassing things the rest of the crew has done, and his first experience on a jet, and about Disney Princesses. Also about western novels. I was very entertained and enjoyed the company.

Then the DD came in. Now every time he talks to me, the DD, he teases me about my admirer. I find it irritating.

Also, now I’m rather uncomfortable having the motor man around. Why couldn’t let me think we’re just friends? Boo.

Shocking Pink

I have a friend on this rig. I don’t know his name, or exactly what his job is, but every time he walks by he waves. Sometimes he pantomimes some crazy story to me. Sometimes he shines his laser light on the DD while he is asleep or tries to get me to smack him in the head.

Everyone else thinks I’m crazy because I’m sitting here laughing to myself. And he always manages to vanish before they look up.

Shoot, maybe I’m friends with a ghost! And only I can see him.

Today’s Exploit:

When I started this job I thought it would be hands on, learn new mechanical things and play in the mud. And to be fair that happens about once every three weeks. The rest of the time I sit in a box bored out of my mind and slowly rot from the inside out.

For example, this is what I did today:

I generally paint my nails once or twice a year. I’m normally too keyed up to do something like paint my nails. I can’t even take a bath. I get bored within 2.35 minutes. I was so bored I went and bought nail polish.

Also, maybe if the people out here are focused on my shocking pink fingernails, they’ll stop worrying about my “target zones”.

I discovered today that I have gramma hands. I blame eczema. My hands were normal, not crazy wrinkly before I got this dumb rash.

The other thg that wastes my time is reading. I went crazy and bought some magazines one time while I was in town, about two and a half weeks ago. Since then I have read Cosmopolitan, Women’s Running, Glamour, Vogue, and MarieClaire. I still have Savour to finish. I’ve also ready 5 Janet Evanovitch books, 2 Robin McKinley books, To Kill a Mockingbird and started the Stieg Larsson trilogy.

Maybe tomorrow they’ll let me play in the mud.

Olfactory Factory

Last night, er… today when I was asleep, I had a dream. It was a crazy dream and I was baffled by it. And I was going to remember to document it. But I forgot to remember. And now all I can remember is that I was really confused and that I wanted to remember it but I forgot.

Today’s Exploit:

For some reason, lately my olfactory senses have been in overdrive. This means that I’ve noticed many odd smells. For example, the smoking tent inexplicably smells like grapefruit. Grapefruit. And anywhere between my box and the rig smells like dead crickets. Because they like to die in the diesel tanks. Also the rig smells like stale urine because roughnecks are gross and urinate in the drains.

It also means that I would rather be anywhere than in my box when someone else is there. The past three days every person that has come into the box has smelled like a shower was 4.78 days overdue. But it’s only been the last three days. Did they all get together and decide not to shower. Some sort of water wasting strike.

I assure you, it is not wasting. You smell awful. If you’re that worried, take a sponge bath. Or, wear deodorant!

In other news: I get to take a holiday. And I get to play at the cabin. And probably freeze my feet off in the creek while building a bridge. Yay. At least, I’ll get to do this if my manager ever answers my emails and approves my holiday request. You should email him, and make him respond.

UPDATE: Even choking myself with Febreze does not mask the malignant odor. I think someone’s arm may be rotting behind one of the computers. This box is going to need a serious fumigation when it goes home.

Armadillo

The mud engineer commented on my clothing again. He told me that I had many target zones showing again. And that the crew was just back from days off yada yada yada.

1. He doesn’t realize that all he’s doing is making me more uncomfortable around HIM!

2. The roughnecks may look, but at least they don’t make me feel like I’m being ogled. Like the mud engineer does.

3. Roughnecks would look at me if I was wearing a circus tent or a refrigerator box because I am a WOMAN on an OIL RIG.

Today’s Exploit:

Also while I was running I tripped over an armadillo! It jumped out and attacked my feet and I almost died because I almost fell and almost broke my neck. I never knew armadillos attacked, just that they carry leprosy. Oh no! Now I’m going to be a leper, too!

Actually it was about 20 feet away, but it’s the closest I’ve ever been to a live one. Usually when I see them they’re past stiff and on to rotting. Therefore I hold my breath and squint my eyes and run as fast as I can to get away. This was the first time I actually studied one. They’re funky looking creatures.

Pic from here.

Fainting Sheep

Today at the safety meeting the company man lectured us for ten minutes on the proper chain of command. We are not allowed to go directly to the person who will be helping/doing the task. We must go through the driller.

I personally find this ridiculous. The chances of something going wrong due to miscommunication are abnormally high at this rig. I’m pretty sure the guys here speak a different language than I do. I only understand about a quarter of what I hear. I can only assume the same of them so I try to talk slowly and enunciate very well. Someday I’ll have to learn the language that roughnecks in Texas speak. It will probably help tremendously.

Today’s Exploit:

I worked with this kid for a couple months. He’s funny. I pretty much never stop laughing when I’m with him. The first thing we talked about was another guy we worked with and how he quit. And that we would probably quit if the economy wasn’t in the fish tank, or if we had useful skills. He told me that I can talk good, and type even gooder. That was when my email crashed and I had to restart my computer.  After that we talked more, about how horrible computers and hairy mexicans ae.

PJ: Computers suck. I'm going to move to the top of a mountain and raise sheep. Be free from the internet.

Gene : If you move to the bottom of a valley you'll be free from the internet too

PJ: And I'd probably also have water.

Gene : especially with fainting sheep

Gene : exactly

PJ: I might need some of those. Fainting sheep.

PJ: They would be good entertainmetn

Gene : fainting sheep are awesome

Gene : I'm gong to buy heaps of them and then run at them like a drunken madman

PJ: My thoughts exactly

And another conversation.
Gene : I'm out here working night MWD by myself on a D&I only job and training DD during the days

PJ: Sounds like fun. How sleep deprived are you now?

Gene : lets just say my alarm clock hasn't woke me up once, seriously

PJ: Wow.

Gene : and the ASAP I had out here kept shutting the HSPM machine down every 30 minutes or so. I just got a new one out here that is rockin the house

PJ: Sweet.

Gene : I haven't had one red number yet

PJ: Sounds like a keeper.

Gene : We were tripping in hole today and I thought sweet, this will be an awesome time to get a nap on the couch

PJ: Yeah right, like that’s going to happen.

Gene : 30 minutes later, a hairy Mexican rolls in here damanding a BHA. I was not impressed

PJ: Hairy?  Sounds amazing

Gene : Did I spell that incorrectly

PJ: no. I just think it's funny

Gene : oh yeah, he was hairy and greasy

PJ: ew

Gene : and I'm not sure his hair wasn't greasy

PJ: Even better.

Gene : I don't know, I tried to stay back

PJ: I understand.

I was laughing to myself even more crazily than I was with The Bloggess.  I think I'm starting to fit in with the weirdos out here!

I Win!

Today I had to crawl under the desk to release some cables. They were not working, so I was pulling them out to roll up. When I got back to take a survey my keyboard wasn’t working. And I had the hiccups.

So I tried to get the survey on the other computer. That keyboard wouldn’t work either. Nothing else gave me problems.

Finally, through the haze of hiccups, and people asking for printouts and the DD that talks incessantly while picking his teeth with a toothpick I solved the problem. The keyboards had come loose when I pulled the other cables out. That was all, just two keyboards out of the 4583 wires and cables and cords jumbled under the desk.

Today’s Exploit:

We lost power in the trailer today just as I was getting up. They came and banged on the door and asked if the breaker box was in my room. I told them 47 times to wait, (language barrier again) and finally got to the door. My first thought was: Haha they can’t watch TV! My seconds was: Shoot, my popsicles are going to melt!

I guess it wasn’t the breaker box, and something happened to make all the trailers lose power. I hope not too many people have ice cream.

After the meeting I went back to the trailer and ate some “breakfast”. The power was back on. It’s magic. Either that or the electricity likes me better. Dun duh duh dun! I win.

The Definition of Frustration

I was sitting near the logging unit the other night waiting for the forklift to come for my tools when the mud engineer stopped to talk.

Mud Engineer: Don’t wear too short shorts when you go out jogging.

Me: Oh, okay…

Mud Engineer: Some of us have smaller target zones than others.

Me: Crickets (literally)

I’m not sure if that was as bad as it sounded, but I now try to avoid him. In my mind he’s a bit of a creeper. Shiver.

Today’s Exploit:

A conversation I had with one of the Directional Drillers about a computer program:

Me: It didn’t work because VNC wasn’t open on this computer.

DD: Okay, try opening it to see if it works.

Me: I’m not seeing it. It’s not installed on this computer.

DD: We’ll have to go get Chris; maybe he’ll know how to open it.

Me: I guess we could install it.

DD: It must not have worked since that computer didn’t have the program on it.

Me: Yes, it’s not installed.

DD: Well, I’ll have to call the [IT people] and ask them what IP address they are using.

Me: They’re using a different program. VNC is not installed on this computer.

DD: That must be why we couldn’t get it to connect!

Me: Beat head against desk

A side note: VNC is a program that allows the user to view a computer desktop from another computer.

Another side note: I feel as if I should be enunciating V…E…R…Y slowly. I’m not sure what it is, but nothing I say seems to make it through whatever barrier this guy has. He’s pretty nice, talks a bit too much and absolutely EVERYTHING I say goes in one ear and out the other.