I Didn’t Check on the Bird

The little dog with the green head? It has an attention span the size of a gnat’s step. I’ll walk across location, and it will see me and start running my direction. But halfway to me it will notice someone or something else and veer off in that direction. I don’t know if it’s capable of completing a thought.

Today’s Exploit:

I hit a bird today.

It almost made me cry.

It was the first animal I have hit while driving Starla. I think Starla wanted to cry too, but probably more because the bird punched her.

I haven’t hit an animal in a vehicle since that bird I hit while driving the van. I think I was 16. Mom was with me. She ducked and flinched more than I did.

Thankfully Starla has no lasting injuries. The bird probably didn’t make it. I didn’t stop to see. It’s a Prison zone, remember?

Myrtle Strikes Again

I’ve been doing this workout for 11 days now and I still don’t have six-pack abs. What’s up with that? That’s why I’m doing this nonsense.

Today’s Exploit:

After Myrtle’s frightening day in the sun she sat on the microwave for nearly a week. In the dark. Because oilfield people are afraid of the sun, apparently. They have all the windows in the entire trailer covered with cardboard and aluminum foil

First she grew really long and leaned a lot so that she could get closer to the smidgen of light that gets into the trailer between the cracks. So I turned her a few times to keep her mostly upright. Then she got so long I decided to cut her back, because she was mostly stems and almost no leaves.

I stuck the tops in water, so all is not lost.

And I kept turning her, but her big leaves began to droop. They were almost vertical when I got smart and took her to the box, where the windows are open. And she gets sunlight nearly all day.

Guess what?

The leaves were back up within 23.5 hours.

I think she’s in her happy place now.

I hate to have to tell her she needs to live in Starla for another long trip.

I Thought You Might Want To Call Some Time

The roughnecks called and said the computer got unplugged, and they needed the screen to keep drilling. So I got all my gear on and went up to the dog house and asked.

“Is it really unplugged? Or are you lying again?”

I’m on to them. But it turns out the computer really was unplugged. As for unintentional or not, I don’t know.

Today’s Exploit:

Recently I had to go up to the rig floor to fix the computer. On my way back to the box I passed through the parts room to get to the stairs. One of the roughnecks was in there and he stopped me.

Chris: Hey, babe. How are you?

Me: Fine, just fixing the computers.

Chris: Well, I wrote down my number for you, if you want. I enjoy talking to you.

Me: Oh, thanks. (I’ve only talked to him once before, and that was about carrying the tool)

Chris: We should keep in touch for the company.

Me: Ok, I’d better get back to the computers.

Chris: Bye babe, I’ll talk to you later.

I tucked the paper into my pocket and laughed all the way back to my chair. That was probably the awesome-est way anyone’s ever given me their number. Usually they ask for mine and call my phone so I can save theirs in the contact list.

Also? Sorry Chris, but I don’t really like talking on the phone. I’m socially inept like that.

I Like Recreational Math, Don’t You?

I just read The Time Machine by H.G. Wells. It was very good, I recommend it.

Today’s Exploit:

Last night I was talking to the new DD. New, as in, this is his first job as a DD new.

He is doing homework and takings tests to qualify for his classes. Part of that is a math section. He said he hates math.

I was appalled. Math is amazing.

So he asked if I’d help him. Naturally I jumped at the chance to do some recreational math. I even went through all the practice tests I have on my computer and answered all the questions to refresh my memory last night. It was a good way to waste a couple hours of the never-ending night.

When I gave him the papers for reference he was rather shocked. And WAY overly grateful.

I think he thanked me 27 times for the notes to use as examples.

I thought it was really funny, I felt like I should be thanking him for the nice diversion.

Dolphin Chatter and Duck Laughs

MomandDad.

I’ve just decided upon a new rule. You can’t argue with me about who pays for lunch while you are visiting me. If you do I might have to dive over the table at the restaurant and tackle you.

Just thought I should give you fair warning.

Today’s Exploit:

Last night I heard a phone ring. The ringtone was ducks.

I thought it sounded like dolphins and ducks.

Me: Was that a conversation between a dolphin and a duck?

Ronnie: No, just ducks.

Me: Oh. Just ducks.

Ronnie: I’ve heard some crazy ones, turkey calls and elk bugles and deer grunting. The turkey one is pretty funny.

Me: Sorta like the dolphins and ducks?

Ronnie: it’s just DUCKS!

Me: Hahahaha.

The Adventures of Myrtle

On Cake Wrecks one of the Sunday Sweets was a cake based on The Wee Free Men! It was awesome. Go look:


Wee Free Men Cake

PS I just discovered that they are making a Wee Free Men movie. For 2013. Too bad the world is going to end before it comes out.

Today’s Exploit:

Myrtle’s second big adventure was the day I decided she needed to be an outdoor plant.

Like I said, she’s a trouper.

I say it all the time, but it’s freaking hot down here. And I thought that my mint should live outside.

So I put her on a nice safe corner of the porch where she wouldn’t get knocked around by the door, or someone kicking her. Also she was off the ground and probably safe from the pack of savage dogs that roams this location.

Those dogs, they’d probably smother Myrtle in an attempt to get her to pet them. And the little one with the green head would wiggle her to death in excitement over some attention.

Back to my story. I put Myrtle out and then I went to bed. When I got up in the afternoon I got ready for a run and walked out the door to find her so wilted she was almost melting.

I immediately picked her up and took her inside apologizing for being so stupid to leave her out in the misery that is Texas during the middle of summer. I should have thought about that first. I probably would have looked even worse than Myrtle if I made myself sit outside in the sun all day. Poor buddy.

So she went back to residing on the microwave inside the air conditioned trailer.

A Stack of Dirty Bowls Would Make Me Cry

HAPPY SUNDAY!

I hope your day is filled with deviled-eggs and purple chickies and rabbit prints in the dust. And much happy family time.

This is what I hope is waiting for me when I get home.

Today’s Exploit:

I get to drive today! And see how much work it will really be to organize my desk.

Right now I’m imagining piles of papers, papers that I have to keep, overflowing and falling on the floor. All randomly tossed on the stack, with only a miniscule reference to where it is actually supposed to be filed.

And the spare bedroom. That is a nightmare of stuff I don’t otherwise know what to do with. And a few half finished projects.

Thankfully I have made it a rule to do the dishes and run the dishwasher before I leave. Every time. Even if it makes me late. Because the idea of going back to a stack of unwashed bowls and pans and spatulas and muffin tins would probably break me.

I’ll Hug Them and Squeeze Them and Love Them Forever

I just ate the greenest crunchiest banana ever.


It was a day and a half too crunchy. Woo. Makes me pucker up just thinking about it.

Today’s Exploit:

I get to see these buddies pretty soon.


I’M SO EXCITED!

I haven’t seen them in ages. I think they’re a little lot bigger now. It’s been about a year and a half, I think. It was just a few months after I started my job. And then they moved. Far away

But they called me on my birthday.  The bestest birthday surprise ever.

And the other day they had “PJ chips”. Their Mama said that’s what they call Salt and Vinegar chips, because they had them at the cabin.

I’m gonna squeeze them and tickle them and spoil them rotten. Then I’m gonna do it all some more.

Betty-Sue Was Saved By a Banana

I just realized that I only have one day to clean my entire flat. My list of things to do is half a page long. And then I also have to go shopping and get that stuff ready for dinners.

I’m slightly overwhelmed right now.

Today’s Exploit:

I did some yoga today.

Crazy hard yoga that made my arms hurt worse than the pushups and pull-ups.

It was going along nicely, with only a few grumbles about my arms trying to give out because I did so many cycles into upward dog and downward dog. I better have some wicked triceps after this.

Then came the balancing-on-the-hands pose, I think it’s called crane. I had awesome balance on my hands this afternoon.

So I happily went on to the balance-on-your-feet poses.

They didn’t go so well.

I was wobbly

I fell over a few times.

And I got CRANKY!  Woo.  It kinda surprised me.

Usually things like that don’t bother me much.

So I decided to stop early and get a banana to save my sanity. And maybe Betty-Sue’s life.

PS Betty-Sue is my computer. She is obstinate. I yell at her a lot.

Thinking About it is Giving Me Hives

I get to see my parents soon. I’m already making a calendar of what we need to have for dinner. Because I almost never get to cook for people anymore. Except cupcakes. But they almost don’t count anymore.

Today’s Exploit:

I had a panic attack last night. I realized it’s been 15 days since I practiced my dance. And I thought I forgot it. So I had to listen to my song 48 times visualizing it to reassure myself that the one week I have left to practice will be sufficient.


I also still need to get a costume and figure out where this event is supposed to take place. This could be a very stressful week with shopping and getting up in front of people to dance. WITH EVERYONE WATCHING ME. Please just watch Shawn. He likes the attention.

Also Shawn keeps telling me that Mama is going to put us at the end to try and keep him sober, but it never works.  Therefore I need to be even more worried because he still claims he doesn’t know the choreography and he’ll be drunk.  That means he’ll be even louder and want even more attention.  Crap.

The Computer Broke Again

I:


I just called myself a crazy chicken, out loud.

I just learned that Oklahoma City has a zoo, and it’s supposed to be a good one.

I could sit and stare at Myrtle for hours. I think I might. She’s more interesting than the computers.

I like fresh pineapples. And crunchy grapes.

I met a dog with a green head.

Today’s Exploit:

Last night the DD answered a phone call from the rig floor.

Dane: They said something’s wrong with the computer again.

Me: Uh oh!

Dane: (into the phone) She said, “Uh oh” and she’s on her way up.

And when I got to the rig floor.

Me: So, what’s up with the computer?

Driller: Oh, nothing. I just wanted to see you.

Me: …

These guys are kinda sneaky and manipulative sometimes.

Meet Myrtle

Fruit:

Today’s Exploit:

I’d like you to meet the newest addition to my family. This is Myrtle.

Myrtle Mint. She’s a sweet mint and makes your fingers smell yummy when you pet her.

She has had many adventures since she joined my family.

Our first adventure was the trip to the beach. She survived the trip to the rig in the deadly heat of Starla’s interior. But got a break when I took her to the box to set up equipment. But then we had to leave because they weren’t ready for us. So we went to Port Arthur to see the beach. We stayed in a hotel that night and she nearly got left in the room because she just looked like she belonged there.

But then was the worst part, when I spent all day walking on the beach and helping strangers when they wrecked their truck. Myrtle was left to swelter in Starla as it got hotter and hotter. But she’s a trouper. And she stuck it out until I had the presence of mind to open a window for her to catch some breeze.

She has more stories to tell, and more to come.

Myrtle says, “Hi, and come back soon for more adventures.”

Now Start Over

I just read about lots and lots of bicycles. It’s the "Buyer’s Guide" from Bicycling Magazine. I think I learned an entirely new language. I still only understood about 32% of what I read.

Today’s Exploit:

I finished the first week of my workout. It was really hard. I think my legs are going to fall off.

To keep myself motivated I made a calendar to hang on my wall. It has what workout I’m doing, and on most days I wrote little notes for inspiration and checked off days I’ve finished. This is my first week:

Good job! You made it! Now start over.
Also I’m bargaining with myself: if I make it through another week I’ll let myself get a massage.
Four weeks and I get to go to a fancy restaurant.

I got through the first week of muscle fatigue and not being able to walk, or sit, or lift my arms. Now I get to start all over again with worthless dead muscles. Yay for fitness.

As of right now I walk like I just rode a horse for 12 days and sit like I’m 99 years old. When I climb the ladder into my bunk I’m terrified that one of my calves is going to cramp and I’ll fall and end up rolling on the nasty rig trailer floor. That is very high on my list of most-terrifying-things-that-could-ever-possibly-happen. It’s right up there with swimming with piranhas and falling into a pit with an injured tiger.

Also, every step I take I’m 98.2% certain that my calf will seize up and I’ll be left rolling around on the ground with 12 roughnecks and 7 other people watching. (This prospect, while embarrassing, is not near as scary as the floor of the trailer option.) And I have to pull myself up the stairs because my legs won’t push anymore.

I’m really excited for this morning when I’ll be sent up to the rig floor and back down to the box 48.3 times. If I don’t post tomorrow it’s probably because I got a cramp and fell down the stairs and then got mauled by Red begging for pets.

My Mind Is Blank, Or I’m Completely Scatterbrained

My peanut butter has a recipe for Holly Jolly Peanut Butter Cookies. I bought it in March.

Today’s Exploit:

I’m all out of ideas for posts. The only thing interesting that happened to me yesterday was the dog that barked at me on my run. He barked and growled and wagged his tail.

I’ve heard lots of semi-interesting, over-sharing tidbits about the life of the night DD. He can’t hear much of what I say, but he likes to tell me all sorts of random bits. Things like getting a hearing aid, or having kidney stones.

I’m at a loss. Maybe something interesting will happen when I go into town.

Red, the Big Red Dog

I enjoyed this title way too much.

Today’s Exploit:

There’s a dog at this rig. It’s big and friendly and furry and red and very round. I’m pretty sure he thinks he owns this rig. He goes up to the rig floor and lies in the mud and pesters and follows anyone who will pay a bit of attention. I heard one of the roughnecks call him Red. Fitting.

Red also has lots and lots of fur. I feel bad for him since it’s 837 degrees here now. But Red flops down in the shade, sometimes in the grass, or in the cooled mud on the rig floor. He is perpetually filthy.

The first time I saw Red I was building the tool for another run. I talked to him and continued with my chore. When I kneeled to join a couple pieces Red was 3 inches from my face pushing my hands with his nose. I petted him for a bit and kept on with my dialogue. But apparently I was not working hard enough, because he kept nudging my other hand.

Every so often, while I’m waiting on the rig floor Red will come up and demand attention by trying to knock me over, rubbing against my legs like a cat. Red is far better at covering me with dirt and filth than even I am. That takes talent.

Tonight, after all the big important chores were done and I was reduced to finishing the paperwork, the DD came in to the box.

Dane: Man that dog’s big. I think it has some St. Bernard in it.

Me: Yes, I could see that.

Dane: I just found out it’s pregnant.

I Think I Was A Boring Kid

I saw a sign today when I was returning from buying my 3.2 items for soup.

PRISON AREA

DON'T STOP FOR HITCHHIKERS

That just made me 38.7 times less likely to stop for anyone at all. Also, I thought about going back to get photographic evidence. But now I’m scared to stop.

Today’s Exploit:

I’ve been reading lots of blog posts that relate childhood memories. Very vivid childhood memories.

I’m in awe.

I remember my childhood in snapshots. But I don’t remember the events around any particular picture. I think most of them come from activities that I performed repeatedly, like pretending that the carpet was lava and the only way not to get burned was to stand on pillows and chairs. Events that I remember most vividly usually involved trips to the hospital, or were in some way scary.

Although there was that one time in middle school, after a concert, when a lady told the whole town about how I used to take off all my clothes when I went to aerobics with my mom. I vividly remember that embarrassment. I think adults live to recount embarrassing moments for teenagers, when pretty much everything is embarrassing.

I know stories about events, like the time I shuddered at Cinderella’s mice in Disney Land or the time I demoted my mom to “sister” status. But when I think about them it’s from my parents’ point of view, usually my mom’s.

Probably I don’t remember much because I spent most of my life sucked into a book, living vicariously through the characters. And while I was entertained, it doesn’t leave me with many memories of reality. As for books I can recount billions of stories, just not titles or authors.

Sir, You’re Arguing Against Mathematics

Today I surpassed my own expectations. I conquered my previous record at consecutive days doing the P90x workout. I’m so proud.

I finished Day 3.

Today’s Exploit:

Outside the DDs and the nighttime Driller nearly everyone on this job hates us. I know this because they make everything 42.7 times harder for us than it should be.

They argue with the daily cost schedule, they ask for overly-specific file names and they ask us to delete 5/6ths of our data, and then interpolate it. I don’t understand the rationale of any of it.

First, these have nothing to do with how much they pay, or even if they will pay. Then they want LESS accurate data. WHY? And the rest is just nit-picky because we already have to contort our data to work with their prehistoric computer programs.

But today one of these guy made me laugh, and I didn’t feel the burning desire to punch them in the ear for about 32 seconds.

The scenario:

The Company Man (who doesn’t like us) is in our box. They’re having temperature warnings for the motors and want to change the pump strokes.

CoMan: We might need to go from 51 strokes on one pump to 27 on two pumps.

Enrique: We can definitely try that, but it will put a harmonic in the middle of our tool signal and interfere with the data recording.

CoMan: How do you know that?

Enrique: The harmonics on the pump will change. See how there’s a line here? It’s from the pumps.

CoMan: But we’re not changing the flow.

Enrique: This is from our surface equipment, it gets this from each pump.

CoMan: But how do you know that the harmonic will be right there?

Enrique: You divide the number of strokes from each pump by 60, and that’s the frequency that it appears at.

CoMan: But there will still be 57 strokes.

Enrique: Yes, but the harmonic comes from each pump stroke rate, not from the total of both.

CoMan: But how do you know it’ll be there? We’ll have to try it, you can’t know for sure.

Me: Please don’t laugh, please don’t laugh,pleasedon’tlaugh, don’tlaughdon’tlaughdon’tlaugh

He continued arguing that it only might" be there, and we’d have to try it to be sure.  (Obviously we don't know how this stuff works.)  We can’t know things like that.

Dude, it’s mathematics. It’s not a maybe situation. 2+2 will pretty much always be 4.  And 3x7 will be 21. IT’S JUST THE WAY IT IS!

Also, Enrique has been doing this for 4 years, he knows what he’s talking about.

Now that I think about it a bit I understand why you might hate me. I’m just a little bit (read 90 kabillion times) smarter than you. And also prettier.

As for the other guy? The one that gives me busy work and says it’s mandatory? I still want to punch him in the ear.

No Soup Today Friends

Thought of the day:


Using Microsoft’s Outlook is like sticking a fork in my eye. Then turning it, for good measure.

Today’s Exploit:

When I woke up today I was really excited to go into town and get the 3.2 things I need to make some soup. It sounded really good when I was telling Cupcake about it last night.

So I got up early and did my workout and took a really fast shower. (Really fast showers are getting more and more difficult. Long hair is a pain in the foot.) Then I got dressed and brushed my hair – not something that happens often – and grabbed my keys.

I hopped down the stairs and skipped over to my car to discover a truck.

A truck with a nice long trailer parked in the middle of the road.

He was just in the right spot that if I was able to inch out of my slot I still would have had no chance of getting by on either side of him. Specially with the forklift loading and unloading drilling collars.

I looked at Starla. Then I looked at the truck. Then I looked at the space between the trailer and all the other trucks.

Then I pouted and went back inside to eat a bowl of Cheerios.

I waited and waited and waited.

The truck driver left just in time for me to not have enough time to make it to town and run into the market for my 3.2 items.

I’m sure he was laughing all the way home: NO SOUP FOR YOU!

Zamboni

Things to laugh at:

1. Found this at ‘i am your canadian boyfriend’

2. And this lovely gem about driving. I heart number 4. Please read.

Today’s Exploit:

You remember that time? That time when I was in Dallas for that super-awesome dance? It was fun. But in order to be there for the dance I had to spend 10 hours doing other stuff in Dallas.

So I went to a mall. That sounds fun, right? Not so much when I remembered that I hate clothes shopping (I did find a spatula store, though) and I hate crowds.

Thus, after wandering around the 4 stories of the super-giant mall, I got bored and decided I wanted to ice skate.

Texas is kinda crazy and has ice skating rinks in most of the shopping malls I’ve been to. I don’t understand it. But I find it rather perplexing to see regular people skating in shorts and tank tops, I mean other than the Olympics. But even then they have to wear sweatpants and jackets on the sidelines.

I kinda wanted to go out on the rink and lay down, and hug the ice. Because it’s only March and it’s already at least 92 degrees outside. In my opinion I should still need a down jacket in March and I am not getting used to summers, even though this is my third one here. I Hate it. Capital H.

But I digress. I wanted to ice skate, so I went to my car for socks. Naturally I was wearing sandals because anything else would have caused a massive heat stroke. (During this trip my dad had his phone die while he was talking on it for the very first time. He asked me why the mall kept beeping, I had no idea.) But, naturally, by the time I got back to the ice rink it had been taken over by 567 6th graders. Who had probably never seen ice before, except during the last Super Bowl when they got 8 inches of snow.

So I sighed a super-ginormous sigh and went and got some French fries. Then I sat and watched the kids totter and fall and drag themselves around the ice by the handrail. It was tragic.

Until the mini-zamboni came out.

This is what I want for Christmas.  Or maybe Grandparents' Day.  It would be a good Grandparents' Day gift.

That was super-awesome. I am in love. And my dad wants one. I think he’d try to zamboni the lake with it. It would be so much easier than trying to shovel the durn thing.

I Just Knew They’d Steal Me If I Slept There

I’m ready for my vacation, can it be 25 April yet? Also, do you think they’re still hiring penguin trainers at the zoo?

Today’s Exploit:

My last call to go to a job went something like this:

Me: Hello?

Jared: I need you to go to a rig in southeast Texas tonight.  (Damn)

Me: That’ll be an 8 or 9 hour drive. (They don’t let us drive after 11, and it was 4)

Jared: Well, you’re the only one available, so drive as far as you can tonight and finish the trip first thing in the morning.

So I did. I drove and drove and drove until 11. Then I found a hotel and slept for 4 hours. Because I was too keyed up after my check-in and worried about waking up on time in the morning.

I checked out and got in my car and called the Journey Management people. Then Jared called.

Turns out I could have slept in. They didn’t need me until the afternoon.

Then in the afternoon I arrived and got the shack all set up and called asking where everyone else was. They didn’t need us until the next night.

When they finally needed us we found out that they didn’t have beds for all of us. The extra trailer was paid for by the company that was leaving.

The DD told me he’d figure it out, but I was scurrd. He couldn’t find a phone number, and I was sure that if I fell asleep in that trailer they’d come and hook it up to the truck and drive off, with me rolling around in the bed or on the couch.

I’m pretty sure they have to go inside to do electric stuff and make sure everything is secure, but I’d been up for about 37 hours (in addition to spending 2 nights in hotels) and wasn’t really thinking rationally.

So I slept in my car for 2 hours, until the clouds went away and the sun hit me and my car was instantly 485 degrees.

That was when I gave up and went inside, and hoped that they wouldn’t drive me away. Because having an AC is far more important that worrying about the ramifications of getting back to the rig without my car.

Natalie and Shawn: Sensory Overload

CONGRATULATIONS!

You are the 45828th visitor! And you are a WINNER!

You win a story:

Once upon a time there was a little sheep. But this sheep really wanted to be a dragon. So it left the pasture and traveled over hills and through valleys and up mountains. Until it came to a dragon’s lair. The dragon currently residing in this lair was just waking up from a really long nap and was starving.

The end.

Again, my congratulations for being the 47204th visitor.

Today’s Exploit:

The other day Shawn invited me to watch the “teacher lesson”. They’ve just hired four people to be new instructors and are now teaching them how to dance.

They are learning the steps and being traumatized by their teaching combo. Natalie and Shawn together are like getting a burlesque show when you were looking for a circus. They are both hilarious. I think they spent more time confusing the new people with their inside jokes and random tangents then teaching them anything.

I was confused and I knew all the steps and about half the jokes.

I spent most of the time restraining myself from correcting the newbies’ frame. They had noodle arms and were slouching. It was painful to watch. But they are learning fast, so maybe next time it will be easier to pay attention to the never-ending stream of jokes and confusion.

The Princess Chronicles, Continued

I might be addicted to Cadburry Mini Eggs. And swing dance. And the sound of wind chimes.

Today’s Exploit:

Part III

Mikafina likes to read in her garden. If she had a garden, that is. She also likes (apparently) to wear hideous orange bib dresses. But I guess that’s ok, because at least it’s not a hideous blue bib dress…

Also. I think she really likes her book because she has no idea a nasty sea gull and the dread chicken bush beast (which she is reading about and Clearly not taking seriously-look at her face) are about to ATTACK!

To be continued…

Tell me you noticed the dread chicken bush beast before you read about. Did you? I never do. Then I have to look and it is so obvious.

Part IV

Clairacina loves to spend time with her friends. AKA: hiking up cliffs barefoot with the weirdos she works with. She is also an avid fluffy-pink-tailed-squirrel observer. Which is obvious because she was obviously distracted while putting on her makeup. I mean, look at it! Ridiculous! Pull yourself together Clairicina!

She obviously also has no matching skills. Her dress may or may not be ever so slightly more hideous than the orange nightmare…

Also to be continued…

I may have to become an avid fluffy-pink-tailed-squirrel observer. They are quite magnificent.

Part V

“Cinderella is a perfect princess.” Says Fairy Godmother. “WHAT THE HELL??” Cindy screams. “Now I’ll never get the guy! And what the eff did you do to my skin you nutter??”

I’m not sure if she’s crying tears of anger or that’s just a really bad makeup job. I think it might be makeup. Cinderella went through a lot of artists. Most of them ended up giving her crazy blue eyes. She didn’t even have pupils or whites. Just giant blue orbs. It was quite disturbing.

I Don't Want to Eat Them

Even though the trees are just barely green, spring is long gone.  It's been 483 degrees for the past week.  M.I.S.E.R.A.B.L.E.  Just thought you should know.

Today's Exploit:

I made cookies the other night.  Then I iced them.  It was an experiment for me.  And I liked the way it turned out.  I have some favorites and I can't bear the thought of them being eaten.  I should probaby give them away and not think about it. 

The fishies are swimming for their lives.  They know what will happen if they let their guard down.  The SHARKS will get them!

The aftermath of my creative binge.  Can you tell I like yellow?  I only have one boring colored bowl.  Because it works best for melting chocolate.  Otherwise it would be history.

The Man Had Cartoon Feet

Butter takes a really long time to soften when you want to make cookies right now and the only butter of the unsalted variety you have is in the freezer. Even when it’s 80 degrees inside because you have the door open to hear the wind chimes.

Today’s Exploit:

The other night I fed my addiction for the first time in, oh, almost a year.

I got to leave the rig on Friday. I happened to look up the calendar for the Dallas Swing Dance Society. It said that there was an event in Fort Worth.

So I wasted all day at the mall and in the container store just so that I could still be in town.

I also drove in rush hour traffic for 2.7 hours because Timmy the GPS got lost and said there were no highways where, clearly, there were 7 or 8 of them.

But eventually I arrived at my new favorite dance locale. And the sun was going down and the breeze was blowing so it was only 75.3 degrees, instead of 91.4 like it was in my car. It was a nice reprieve after roasting most of the day.

Eventually I went inside and watched the 18 piece band assemble and warm up and, finally, start to play.

Then the dancing began!

It was very different from the swing dances I’ve been to in the past. This one had attendees that were probably alive when this type of dancing first became popular.

I watched and watched and smiled and sang along.

Then I got really courageous. You’ll never believe it.

You won’t.

I went up to a stranger and asked him to dance with me.

And he said yes!

Success!

We danced and it was lots of fun.

Then I went back to my table and shook with nerves through the next two songs.

Finally I calmed down and smiled and sang and tapped my feet some more.

Then I noticed that the older woman sitting at the table next to mine was up and dancing. So I decided to ask her partner to dance. Sadly he had a bum leg. But we talked for a while and watched the dancers.


Then the song ended and I went back to my seat. That was when someone came and asked me to dance. And I was really nervous and stumbled all over the place. It was tragic.

During the next few dances I saw THE MAN.

In a normal crowd I probably wouldn’t have noticed him. But dancing he was the star of the show. He knew all the pauses and accents. And his feet were so fast that they were a blur, and hypnotizing.

I eventually got up the guts to go ask him, but on my way I was accosted by someone else. The someone else was a very enthusiastic dancer. Unfortunately he couldn’t keep a beat and had a frame like a dead fish. But it was still fun. And challenging, like putting together a puzzle with no picture reference, mostly guessing.

It was a few songs later that I finally got a chance to ask THE MAN again.

And he even said yes.

Success!

We danced and it was AWSOME. Except I was so mesmerized by his feet that I had a hard time concentrating on dancing myself.

But we made it through the song and he even told me I was a good dancer. Even though I stumbled through half the steps because I haven’t done them in eleven months and 2 hours.

He even asked me to dance a couple times after that. It never got any easier to not stare at his feet.

I believe that this must be the end for today. I’ll regale you with more details at a later date. My mind is still overflowing with the fact that HE said I was a good dancer.

I Was Attacked By Irises

Last night I met Cody. Cody is a little fuzzy dog that decided it would be much more fun to listen to my instructions instead of his person’s.

Maybe I can adopt Cody while I’m in town, and give him back when I leave. Would that be an ok deal?

Today’s Exploit:

I went dancing. In Fort Worth. PS They had a live band. Check out Route 66.

But that’s a story for another day. Today’s feature is flowers at the Southside Preservation Hall.

While I was walking around trying to figure out where I was, and maybe looking for a door, I came across the irises. I almost missed the dance because I was so amazed by these things.

First I saw all the purple ones. All different color purples.

Then I saw the white ones with the funny skinny petals.

But then. Then I noticed the stars. These things were monsters. As big as my hand, obviously. The ones we had in our Saratoga back yard were about a third this size, I think. It’s been a while since I’ve seen those ones.

They were so big that they were falling over, the stalks couldn’t hold one flower. And most of them had 3 or four more buds ready to bloom tomorrow or Wednesday.

Charles is the Simon Cowell of My Life

Shawn has decided, being 1 of 3 people I know in Oklahoma, that he is my self-appointed worrier. Lately he’s decided that I have to let him know when I leave town, when I arrive at rigs and when I leave to return home.

My list of people to contact when I take a trip is longer than the number of people I know in this state.

Today’s Exploit:

Charles is an instigator.

Also he has decided that this is an insult – because the phrase “you like to stir things up” worked just fine in the past. Now I’m the bad guy because I had to have a “larger vocabulary” than the people he usually teases.

Last week I made some bread. Then the other day I made cookies.

He and Chris spent the next 27 hours complaining that I had just been broken in as the job was ending. Broken in meaning I talked to them occasionally, teased back, and baked cookies.

They haven’t figured out the mostly the reason I don’t talk to them is that they’re too busy teasing me about being quiet. And when they start in on that I get even more quiet because I know they’re trying to get a rise out of me. And I’m determined to not give them any more reason to tease me.

They come up with enough fodder on their own.

The other day Charles came into the trailer:

Charles: The toolpusher remarked that you’re sure quiet, and spend most of your time in the logging unit.


Me: Oh.


Charles: I told him that you spent all your time there because you though he smelled.


Me: Great. Thanks for that.


Charles: No problem. Glad I could help.


He also keeps a close eye on my extracurricular activities.


Charles: Were you sick this morning?


Me: No, why?


Charles: You didn’t run today.

Or

Charles: How was your run?


Me: Ok.


Charles: How far did you go?


Me: 2 miles.


Charles: Only 2 miles? You’re getting lazy!

Or

Charles: Wow, it sure took you a long time to run those 4 miles today.


Me: That’s because I ran 5.


Charles: It still took you a long time.

The Princess Chronicles

I painted my fingernails yesterday. The paint lasted 4.2 hours before I started peeling it off. It may be a record for me.

Today’s Exploit:

I just re-read some stories that my sister sent me. I believe I’d like to share them. They should make you laugh. They make me laugh hysterically every time I read them. At least once a week.

Part I

Princess Aurora loves to be outdoors. And getting TAN and she loves how long her hair is. Obviously she needs to wear some sunblock b/c look at her LEGS! Also. She’s really sad b/c someone chopped off her bird’s legs, so now he has to have prosthetics.
 :(

Naturally the birds in Princessland are purple. And wear prosthetics. Naturally.

Part II

Cinderella enjoys a beautiful morning. Despite the fact that her hair is shorter than her “little sister’s” and also despite the fact that she was forced to pick dandelions all morning. And despite the fact that she hired sketch painters who thought it would be funny to paint her castle PINK!
Hahaha

Please note that the painters used orange highlights, so it wasn’t the worst paint job, they could have used purple. Yikes.

Also please tune in later in the week for parts III, IV and V! They are just as delightful.