Zamboni

Things to laugh at:

1. Found this at ‘i am your canadian boyfriend’

2. And this lovely gem about driving. I heart number 4. Please read.

Today’s Exploit:

You remember that time? That time when I was in Dallas for that super-awesome dance? It was fun. But in order to be there for the dance I had to spend 10 hours doing other stuff in Dallas.

So I went to a mall. That sounds fun, right? Not so much when I remembered that I hate clothes shopping (I did find a spatula store, though) and I hate crowds.

Thus, after wandering around the 4 stories of the super-giant mall, I got bored and decided I wanted to ice skate.

Texas is kinda crazy and has ice skating rinks in most of the shopping malls I’ve been to. I don’t understand it. But I find it rather perplexing to see regular people skating in shorts and tank tops, I mean other than the Olympics. But even then they have to wear sweatpants and jackets on the sidelines.

I kinda wanted to go out on the rink and lay down, and hug the ice. Because it’s only March and it’s already at least 92 degrees outside. In my opinion I should still need a down jacket in March and I am not getting used to summers, even though this is my third one here. I Hate it. Capital H.

But I digress. I wanted to ice skate, so I went to my car for socks. Naturally I was wearing sandals because anything else would have caused a massive heat stroke. (During this trip my dad had his phone die while he was talking on it for the very first time. He asked me why the mall kept beeping, I had no idea.) But, naturally, by the time I got back to the ice rink it had been taken over by 567 6th graders. Who had probably never seen ice before, except during the last Super Bowl when they got 8 inches of snow.

So I sighed a super-ginormous sigh and went and got some French fries. Then I sat and watched the kids totter and fall and drag themselves around the ice by the handrail. It was tragic.

Until the mini-zamboni came out.

This is what I want for Christmas.  Or maybe Grandparents' Day.  It would be a good Grandparents' Day gift.

That was super-awesome. I am in love. And my dad wants one. I think he’d try to zamboni the lake with it. It would be so much easier than trying to shovel the durn thing.

I Just Knew They’d Steal Me If I Slept There

I’m ready for my vacation, can it be 25 April yet? Also, do you think they’re still hiring penguin trainers at the zoo?

Today’s Exploit:

My last call to go to a job went something like this:

Me: Hello?

Jared: I need you to go to a rig in southeast Texas tonight.  (Damn)

Me: That’ll be an 8 or 9 hour drive. (They don’t let us drive after 11, and it was 4)

Jared: Well, you’re the only one available, so drive as far as you can tonight and finish the trip first thing in the morning.

So I did. I drove and drove and drove until 11. Then I found a hotel and slept for 4 hours. Because I was too keyed up after my check-in and worried about waking up on time in the morning.

I checked out and got in my car and called the Journey Management people. Then Jared called.

Turns out I could have slept in. They didn’t need me until the afternoon.

Then in the afternoon I arrived and got the shack all set up and called asking where everyone else was. They didn’t need us until the next night.

When they finally needed us we found out that they didn’t have beds for all of us. The extra trailer was paid for by the company that was leaving.

The DD told me he’d figure it out, but I was scurrd. He couldn’t find a phone number, and I was sure that if I fell asleep in that trailer they’d come and hook it up to the truck and drive off, with me rolling around in the bed or on the couch.

I’m pretty sure they have to go inside to do electric stuff and make sure everything is secure, but I’d been up for about 37 hours (in addition to spending 2 nights in hotels) and wasn’t really thinking rationally.

So I slept in my car for 2 hours, until the clouds went away and the sun hit me and my car was instantly 485 degrees.

That was when I gave up and went inside, and hoped that they wouldn’t drive me away. Because having an AC is far more important that worrying about the ramifications of getting back to the rig without my car.

Natalie and Shawn: Sensory Overload

CONGRATULATIONS!

You are the 45828th visitor! And you are a WINNER!

You win a story:

Once upon a time there was a little sheep. But this sheep really wanted to be a dragon. So it left the pasture and traveled over hills and through valleys and up mountains. Until it came to a dragon’s lair. The dragon currently residing in this lair was just waking up from a really long nap and was starving.

The end.

Again, my congratulations for being the 47204th visitor.

Today’s Exploit:

The other day Shawn invited me to watch the “teacher lesson”. They’ve just hired four people to be new instructors and are now teaching them how to dance.

They are learning the steps and being traumatized by their teaching combo. Natalie and Shawn together are like getting a burlesque show when you were looking for a circus. They are both hilarious. I think they spent more time confusing the new people with their inside jokes and random tangents then teaching them anything.

I was confused and I knew all the steps and about half the jokes.

I spent most of the time restraining myself from correcting the newbies’ frame. They had noodle arms and were slouching. It was painful to watch. But they are learning fast, so maybe next time it will be easier to pay attention to the never-ending stream of jokes and confusion.

The Princess Chronicles, Continued

I might be addicted to Cadburry Mini Eggs. And swing dance. And the sound of wind chimes.

Today’s Exploit:

Part III

Mikafina likes to read in her garden. If she had a garden, that is. She also likes (apparently) to wear hideous orange bib dresses. But I guess that’s ok, because at least it’s not a hideous blue bib dress…

Also. I think she really likes her book because she has no idea a nasty sea gull and the dread chicken bush beast (which she is reading about and Clearly not taking seriously-look at her face) are about to ATTACK!

To be continued…

Tell me you noticed the dread chicken bush beast before you read about. Did you? I never do. Then I have to look and it is so obvious.

Part IV

Clairacina loves to spend time with her friends. AKA: hiking up cliffs barefoot with the weirdos she works with. She is also an avid fluffy-pink-tailed-squirrel observer. Which is obvious because she was obviously distracted while putting on her makeup. I mean, look at it! Ridiculous! Pull yourself together Clairicina!

She obviously also has no matching skills. Her dress may or may not be ever so slightly more hideous than the orange nightmare…

Also to be continued…

I may have to become an avid fluffy-pink-tailed-squirrel observer. They are quite magnificent.

Part V

“Cinderella is a perfect princess.” Says Fairy Godmother. “WHAT THE HELL??” Cindy screams. “Now I’ll never get the guy! And what the eff did you do to my skin you nutter??”

I’m not sure if she’s crying tears of anger or that’s just a really bad makeup job. I think it might be makeup. Cinderella went through a lot of artists. Most of them ended up giving her crazy blue eyes. She didn’t even have pupils or whites. Just giant blue orbs. It was quite disturbing.

I Don't Want to Eat Them

Even though the trees are just barely green, spring is long gone.  It's been 483 degrees for the past week.  M.I.S.E.R.A.B.L.E.  Just thought you should know.

Today's Exploit:

I made cookies the other night.  Then I iced them.  It was an experiment for me.  And I liked the way it turned out.  I have some favorites and I can't bear the thought of them being eaten.  I should probaby give them away and not think about it. 

The fishies are swimming for their lives.  They know what will happen if they let their guard down.  The SHARKS will get them!

The aftermath of my creative binge.  Can you tell I like yellow?  I only have one boring colored bowl.  Because it works best for melting chocolate.  Otherwise it would be history.

The Man Had Cartoon Feet

Butter takes a really long time to soften when you want to make cookies right now and the only butter of the unsalted variety you have is in the freezer. Even when it’s 80 degrees inside because you have the door open to hear the wind chimes.

Today’s Exploit:

The other night I fed my addiction for the first time in, oh, almost a year.

I got to leave the rig on Friday. I happened to look up the calendar for the Dallas Swing Dance Society. It said that there was an event in Fort Worth.

So I wasted all day at the mall and in the container store just so that I could still be in town.

I also drove in rush hour traffic for 2.7 hours because Timmy the GPS got lost and said there were no highways where, clearly, there were 7 or 8 of them.

But eventually I arrived at my new favorite dance locale. And the sun was going down and the breeze was blowing so it was only 75.3 degrees, instead of 91.4 like it was in my car. It was a nice reprieve after roasting most of the day.

Eventually I went inside and watched the 18 piece band assemble and warm up and, finally, start to play.

Then the dancing began!

It was very different from the swing dances I’ve been to in the past. This one had attendees that were probably alive when this type of dancing first became popular.

I watched and watched and smiled and sang along.

Then I got really courageous. You’ll never believe it.

You won’t.

I went up to a stranger and asked him to dance with me.

And he said yes!

Success!

We danced and it was lots of fun.

Then I went back to my table and shook with nerves through the next two songs.

Finally I calmed down and smiled and sang and tapped my feet some more.

Then I noticed that the older woman sitting at the table next to mine was up and dancing. So I decided to ask her partner to dance. Sadly he had a bum leg. But we talked for a while and watched the dancers.


Then the song ended and I went back to my seat. That was when someone came and asked me to dance. And I was really nervous and stumbled all over the place. It was tragic.

During the next few dances I saw THE MAN.

In a normal crowd I probably wouldn’t have noticed him. But dancing he was the star of the show. He knew all the pauses and accents. And his feet were so fast that they were a blur, and hypnotizing.

I eventually got up the guts to go ask him, but on my way I was accosted by someone else. The someone else was a very enthusiastic dancer. Unfortunately he couldn’t keep a beat and had a frame like a dead fish. But it was still fun. And challenging, like putting together a puzzle with no picture reference, mostly guessing.

It was a few songs later that I finally got a chance to ask THE MAN again.

And he even said yes.

Success!

We danced and it was AWSOME. Except I was so mesmerized by his feet that I had a hard time concentrating on dancing myself.

But we made it through the song and he even told me I was a good dancer. Even though I stumbled through half the steps because I haven’t done them in eleven months and 2 hours.

He even asked me to dance a couple times after that. It never got any easier to not stare at his feet.

I believe that this must be the end for today. I’ll regale you with more details at a later date. My mind is still overflowing with the fact that HE said I was a good dancer.

I Was Attacked By Irises

Last night I met Cody. Cody is a little fuzzy dog that decided it would be much more fun to listen to my instructions instead of his person’s.

Maybe I can adopt Cody while I’m in town, and give him back when I leave. Would that be an ok deal?

Today’s Exploit:

I went dancing. In Fort Worth. PS They had a live band. Check out Route 66.

But that’s a story for another day. Today’s feature is flowers at the Southside Preservation Hall.

While I was walking around trying to figure out where I was, and maybe looking for a door, I came across the irises. I almost missed the dance because I was so amazed by these things.

First I saw all the purple ones. All different color purples.

Then I saw the white ones with the funny skinny petals.

But then. Then I noticed the stars. These things were monsters. As big as my hand, obviously. The ones we had in our Saratoga back yard were about a third this size, I think. It’s been a while since I’ve seen those ones.

They were so big that they were falling over, the stalks couldn’t hold one flower. And most of them had 3 or four more buds ready to bloom tomorrow or Wednesday.

Charles is the Simon Cowell of My Life

Shawn has decided, being 1 of 3 people I know in Oklahoma, that he is my self-appointed worrier. Lately he’s decided that I have to let him know when I leave town, when I arrive at rigs and when I leave to return home.

My list of people to contact when I take a trip is longer than the number of people I know in this state.

Today’s Exploit:

Charles is an instigator.

Also he has decided that this is an insult – because the phrase “you like to stir things up” worked just fine in the past. Now I’m the bad guy because I had to have a “larger vocabulary” than the people he usually teases.

Last week I made some bread. Then the other day I made cookies.

He and Chris spent the next 27 hours complaining that I had just been broken in as the job was ending. Broken in meaning I talked to them occasionally, teased back, and baked cookies.

They haven’t figured out the mostly the reason I don’t talk to them is that they’re too busy teasing me about being quiet. And when they start in on that I get even more quiet because I know they’re trying to get a rise out of me. And I’m determined to not give them any more reason to tease me.

They come up with enough fodder on their own.

The other day Charles came into the trailer:

Charles: The toolpusher remarked that you’re sure quiet, and spend most of your time in the logging unit.


Me: Oh.


Charles: I told him that you spent all your time there because you though he smelled.


Me: Great. Thanks for that.


Charles: No problem. Glad I could help.


He also keeps a close eye on my extracurricular activities.


Charles: Were you sick this morning?


Me: No, why?


Charles: You didn’t run today.

Or

Charles: How was your run?


Me: Ok.


Charles: How far did you go?


Me: 2 miles.


Charles: Only 2 miles? You’re getting lazy!

Or

Charles: Wow, it sure took you a long time to run those 4 miles today.


Me: That’s because I ran 5.


Charles: It still took you a long time.

The Princess Chronicles

I painted my fingernails yesterday. The paint lasted 4.2 hours before I started peeling it off. It may be a record for me.

Today’s Exploit:

I just re-read some stories that my sister sent me. I believe I’d like to share them. They should make you laugh. They make me laugh hysterically every time I read them. At least once a week.

Part I

Princess Aurora loves to be outdoors. And getting TAN and she loves how long her hair is. Obviously she needs to wear some sunblock b/c look at her LEGS! Also. She’s really sad b/c someone chopped off her bird’s legs, so now he has to have prosthetics.
 :(

Naturally the birds in Princessland are purple. And wear prosthetics. Naturally.

Part II

Cinderella enjoys a beautiful morning. Despite the fact that her hair is shorter than her “little sister’s” and also despite the fact that she was forced to pick dandelions all morning. And despite the fact that she hired sketch painters who thought it would be funny to paint her castle PINK!
Hahaha

Please note that the painters used orange highlights, so it wasn’t the worst paint job, they could have used purple. Yikes.

Also please tune in later in the week for parts III, IV and V! They are just as delightful.