Beer Run

“So. The moral of this story is: if ever you find yourself in Stratford-upon-Avon, never, Never go to the Dirty Duck!” -Cupcake


Today’s Exploit:

Last night I finally screwed up the courage to visit the roughnecks. In other words, harass them and get in their way and generally be a nuisance. They asked me about how far I run in the mornings and told me how they needed to start getting into shape. They tell me they’re watching their figures.

So as generous as I am, I offered to let them run with me. Of course they laughed at me. This one told me that that one wouldn’t make it to the tower (35 meters). That one told me that this one wouldn’t make it to his truck unless something deadly was chasing him.

Then one of them came up with a clever idea. He told me I should get a beer. Then I should show it to the roughneck Chad. When I had his attention I could start running. Making sure I held the beer where he could see it, he’d probably follow me anywhere.

The only problem I saw with this idea is that Chad is probably 6.5 feet tall. And he’s about 3 feet wide. Meaning he’s built like a horse. Or two. Therefore he could probably catch me in 2.53 steps, if he felt like it. And he could probably pick me up with his little finger. Then where would I be?

I’d be stuck for sure.

In other news, today’s lucky numbers are: 8, 32, 47, 9, 12 and 6.

And the Next Day

An inspired Haiku from my sister.  I'm hanging it on my virtual fridge:

haiku for you:

you know what i want?
i want a cinnamon roll.
you're sch a weirdo.
the end.

Today’s Exploit:

After I graduated, and after I played with fire for a while and when I still didn’t like engineering, I went to the family cabin. I stayed there a week. Alone. With the clouds. I’m pretty sure 98.6% of my family thought I was crazy. But, then I already knew that.
I read books and baked muffins and went hiking. But only because there was no snow and I couldn’t ski. And I chopped wood. A lot of wood. With a little axe. It was a lot of work. But I did some every day. I was very proud of myself. And Eric was jealous because he couldn’t chop the pieces when he’d tried. Rawr!



This is what I looked like, except without the do-rag, or the curl. And probably I wore an orange vest and had blonde hair. But other than that it’s exactly what I looked like.

 I had many lovely adventures climbing rocks and howling with the coyotes. And everything was very fall-y, like this:

Except the aspen leaves kept falling and attacking me.

But then my week was over and my parents came to stay the weekend with me. We had soup and toast and talked about better times. Then I slept on the porch to escape the heat. And the next day it snowed. And it snowed. And snowed. Until we almost didn’t make it back to town. But of course we made the best of it and built a turtle.

…And they all three stood, ready to fight the evil emperor with only sticks to shield themselves…

We made the turtle armed with sticks and a pair of rubber dish-washing gloves and a dog. The dog was mostly a hindrance because she thought she was supposed to bite the snowballs we were making. That was probably why we ended up with a turtle, instead of a man, made of snow. *Notice how my father is appropriately dressed for the weather in a Hawaiian shirt.

We had heaps and heaps of snow. I bet you can’t imagine what happened the next day…

Ok, ok. So it wasn’t the next DAY. It was a little longer than that.

I flew! And when I landed I was in the very spot I stood next to the mutant snow turtle.

The End.

PS Dad: Today you should make Italian Wedding Soup!

Alligator Wrestling

The Underpants of Optimism are slowly making their way down my knees, shortly to arrive at their scheduled destination of my ankles. That is to say, my Balloon of Hope has a slow puncture. –Molly Malone of “Cynicism isn’t an Option… It’s a Lifestyle”

Today’s Exploit:

I made a friend on my last rig, and we sometimes talk. He is kinda crazy and we have some strange conversations, to say the least. Here is an example of some of the things we talk about:

Joseph: So, do alligators swim up to the rig?

Me: I haven’t seen any, yet. I don’t think I want to.


This is probably what it would look like.  Maybe more violent.

Joseph: Yeh I’d scream

Me: I‘d have to wrestle it, and I’d probably win. Then all the guys here would be intimidated and I‘d have an even harder time making friends.



See?  I can beat the snot out of those crazy gators.

Joseph: Hahahha. Either they’d b skerd of you or wanna date you.

Me: Um…

Joseph: They’d want you to have their baby!

Me: Oh dear.

Joseph: Bah hahahahaha

Me: Evil.

Joseph: All love sista.



Me: Mmmmhmmm. Somehow I’m not seeing it.

Joseph: Aww you should feel it then.

Me: Mmmmmmm. Nope.

We also argue about things like cartoons and children’s books. Or whose night is more boring. I always win because I have to fight with computers, all alone, by myself. He also thinks it’s funny to claim he’s going to send nude photos of himself, because he knows it embarrasses me. So then I want to strangle him for a while, until he gets another of my jokes. Then we can be friends again.

PS Dad: Tonight I’m going to make you research your own recipes, since you don’t bother with my research. I worked hard to find the perfect ones for you!

So Not Helpful

Spin your body around

Now your feet are gonna hit the ground
I am going sleepless and you're out of lullaby

-The Hush Sound

Today’s Exploit:

I have been getting ready for my next class for this job. They give me lists of things I must accomplish before I am allowed to attend. One of my tasks for this class is to update my radiation certification. I’ve been having some trouble finding the test and video to get it updated. So I sent a message to one of the certification guys to ask for help:

Dear Mr. Lichtenheimer*, My Radiation certification has expired, and I was wondering if I can update it online while at the rig. I looked through iLearn, and found a reference to a video, but could not find a link. Also is there a test I have to take to renew the certification?

Thanks,
PJ Darling

*name changed to protect the guilty

His reply:

PJ,

Unless you are handling radioactive sources this portion of the DM QHSE is not required, when the time comes for you to be active in this role you FSM will arrange the survey meter assessment, this will probably be done in NGC.

The Radiation has 4 parts to it. “

Bla bla, explain explain…

“Radiation Basic ~ DONE School/or renewed online you have this portion done (This is what I need!)

Let me know if you have any other questions, the IT RTR is RealTime Remote operations and is an online test with nothing to do with radiation.

Mr. Lichtenheimer

I am a bit excited after this email because it sounds like this guy knows what he’s talking about.

Mr. Lichtenheimer,

I am trying to get my sign off sheet for Scope School and updating my L2C2 certification is one of the requirements.

I have looked in iLearn and QUEST, and found DM OJT 410. When I enrolled in it I just got a page saying the enrollment was confirmed. I can find no attachment to get to the video to review, or to the test to take.

Would you direct me to the correct path to view the video and take the test please?

Thanks,
PJ Darling

So he helpfully replies:

PJ,

This one is done in Quest, it is the radiation test and cert you do 1 time a year. If you have this done in Quest send me a print screen of your Quest Certifications and I will update manually.

Mr. Lichtenheimer

I’m pretty sure I said I looked in Quest. Let me check again…Nope still not there. By now I’m more than a little frustrated. This dude is not actually reading what I wrote, is he? I thought not. So to clarify myself I wrote another note and sent some pictures of what I am seeing.

Mr. Lichtenheimer

I can’t find a link that allows me to watch the video, or a link that allows me to take a test. I don’t have the option to take a test, and when I click the certification name I get a list of content, but no links. I took print screens of these pages and attached them.

Please let me know what I need to do to get this updated.

Cheers,
PJ Darling

He hasn’t answered yet. So not helpful. I’m getting short on time here.

PS Dad: Today you should make Enchilada Pie. Mom has the recipe.

Short Attention Span

It would be the day that I decide to start eating healthy that they decide to feed me hamburgers with bacon and guacamole and rice with sausage and cornbread. Thanks for the help, guys.

Today’s Exploit:

I have discovered an artsy store sorta like Hobby Lobby. The lady who told me about it said it was like Hobby Lobby times ten! Then later it was like Hobby Lobby on crack. Needless to say it’s a warehouse that feels the size of the Mall of America when you go inside.

Inside I found everything from luggage to medical scrubs to tableware to books and everything in between. It’s very overwhelming. Especially for a non-shopper. There’s stuff everywhere (sorry Mr. P, I couldn’t help myself) and the place is ginormous.

I went looking for a cheap desk that I could fix to match my flat. And I was able to find the stools I have been lusting after, almost, mostly, they work.

And some glass jars for my baking collection. And some glasses for my glass cabinet.

So I decided to rearrange my entire flat. Probably not something I should embark on the night (7pm) before going to work early (6am).

First I decided to rearrange my kitchen so that my baking stuff is where I actually bake. So I moved some bowls and plates.

Then I remembered that I’d wanted to vacuum before I left. After vacuuming I remembered that I had to wash some dishes. After getting the dishes washed and stacked by their new cupboard I took the trash out. On the way back in I was sidetracked into moving my futon. I folded a stray blanket and returned it to my bedroom, where I moved the bookshelves.

 

I remembered I’d wanted to put my old trunk in my bedroom, so I went to the living room. There I discovered that I could not get to the trunk without first moving my club chair. At this point I remembered I was rearranging the kitchen. I moved some spices and all my glass jars to my bar. I then realized that I had new jars to fill, but first they needed cleaned and the stickers removed. I decided to do the same with my new glasses while I was at it

 

While they were soaking I put old glasses in packing paper to put away. I was on the floor rolling them up when I noticed my new apron. I’d gotten a new set of hooks to hang my growing collection on, so I got out my tape measure and my itty bitty level.

Next I went back to the jars and glasses. I found the one for my cupcake wrappers. So of course I had to open all the packages and arrange them nicely in the jar. Everyone should have a special jar for cupcake wrappers. All the cool kids are doing it.

Eventually I was able to get myself back on track and all three rooms were finished at the same time. Unfortunately it took me most of the night, before a job, to get it done. I’m pleased with the results, I think. Let me check the photos so that I can remember what it looks like.

PS Dad: Today you should make Chicken Pot Pie.

Un-photogenic

Today a piece of equipment in the well died. Fail. Gone. That piece of equipment was the tool that allows me to do my job. Now I have even less to do. Not that it helps anyone. I still have writer’s block. And I’m being reclusive so I have no one to entertain me. Sorry.

Today’s Exploit:

I don’t like having my picture taken. If I can help it at all I’ll be the person holding the camera. So I have lots of pictures of other people, and scenery and animals. The only way I will give in to being photographed is if my mom threatens me with my life, or my sister gets a hold of a camera.

But then I end up with photos like this:

Or this:

Sometimes she can’t aim so we get this:

 

But every once in a while she’ll distract me sufficiently that she’ll get one that I look somewhat normal in. At least as normal as I can be when I’m around her:

PS Dad: Today you should make Hamburgers. No link, okay?

No More Rain.

The first matter of importance today is that my toe hurts. Really bad. Almost going numb bad. And I can’t figure out why. It’s very frustrating.

The second is that my computer needs cleaned. The keys are getting…dusty. Yeah. They’re compiling a lot of dust

Today’s Exploit:

It rained today. I woke up to wind rattling the trailer, and lots of rain, and what could have been thunder (or maybe the forklift dropping some pipe racks). The wind was strong enough that it tore the TV dish off the trailer. The DD panicked a little until the repair guy came, he couldn’t watch his fishing shows.

I panicked too, but it was because last time I was in this crazy state it was under 28.2 inches of water. And I saw on the news that Corpus Christi, TX has LOTS of water. And I talked to my friend there and he said the last rig I was on is under water right now.

Starla, my car, doesn’t like swimming. She doesn’t even like wading. Every time I drive in heavy rain she protests and makes me get new belts. Or she throws a windshield wiper off so that I can’t see.

I don’t want more rain! Hear me? Stop raining until I can go home. Or at least to Oklahoma City. Then I can have a nice bed. And a nice kitchen, that’s fully stocked. And clean.

Although this one is now somewhat clean. I decided today that I’d had enough and cleaned the dishes, and washed the counters and cleaned out the silverware holder. Then I bleached everything. Now I can touch the counter without cringing and running to wash my hands.

PS Dad: Today you should make Tomato Basil Bruschetta.

Penguin Trainer

I am fascinated with my heart rate right now. I check it about 56.3 times a minute. I check it when I do laundry, when I do dishes, while I’m reading, and as I walk across the room. It is amazing how quickly it changes and the amount it changes. I’ll probably be wearing my monitor continually for the next 2.31 weeks. At least.

Today’s Exploit:

So today I was pondering the fact that I don’t much like my job this week. It’s been very boring. I’ve spent more time reading, watching movies, and playing with my phone than actually working. I even was reduced to STUDYING for entertainment. I took tests for FUN. Eek!

I also was reminded how office people are lacking in common sense. I don’t want that to happen to me. So I don’t want an office job.

The first idea I came up with was the zoo. I wouldn’t be in the office, I’d get to learn about all the animals, and it sounds fun.

Then I contemplated the circus. It’s big, it’s shiny, it probably only has an office for the ring master.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, then I decided I want to fly a helicopter. That would be AMAZING! I could go anywhere and see all sorts of amazing things. I disregarded the fact that I wasn’t particularly happy the last time I was in one. How they jump around and drop suddenly, worse than rollercoasters (which I HATE).

But then I remembered that I’d probably have to talk to people. Over the radio. And I don’t like talking to people. And I don’t like talking over the radio at all. And I’m not sure if they’d let me drive a helicopter because I wear glasses, or contacts. Depends on how I feel that day.

So I decided to go with the zoo. But then I remembered all the people that go to the zoo. And I hate crowds. I almost had a panic attack in a room with 7 other people. So I amended that to working at the zoo, where the only people I have to talk to are the penguins.

I suppose the circus could still be an option, but I’d probably have to be the elephant trainer and work from backstage.

PS Dad: Today you should make Chicken Alfredo! Yum!

Crazy License

Today I got a heart rate monitor. I had to wear it 3.86 hours before it stopped feeling like it was pinching me. And my heart rate is much higher than I expected. Unless I concentrate really hard on breathing slowly and relaxing. Then it’s about what I thought I’d see. It is also water resistant up to 50 meters. I may have to go swimming to check it out. Remind me to do that next time I go to Corpus Christi.

Today’s Exploit:

My sister brings out the crazy in people. She still doesn’t understand why people tell her they’re only this crazy when they’re around her. But my mom figured it out. Cupcake is so crazy that no matter how strange her friends are, they still look pretty normal when they’re with her. Being with her is a license to act like a goof, and not be judged. Because everyone is busy judging her. Good thing she doesn’t care.

Case in point: She made me wear false eyelashes. And take “Barbie Pictures”. And I was okay with that since she was the wacko dancing around the kitchen and making kissy faces and showing them off. Since we had the eyelashes, and she’d just heard Axel F on Monsters vs. Aliens she decided we had to have a dance party. I’m pretty sure most of the city could hear the music, and are thoroughly of that song.

This turned into a photo shoot because I took a few pictures of her dancing. She reviewed them.

Cupcake: Whoa! They make my bum look small! Take another to show that it isn’t!

Me: Ok. Click

Cupcake: Man! That one did too! Ok, try again.

Me: Click

Cupcake: There’s something wrong with your camera. All cameras make my bum look big!

PS Dad: Tonight you should make Italian Breaded Baked Parmesan Pork Chops