Today I discovered the stats section of my blog. I can look at a map that shows me where people looking at my blog are, by country. I was under the impression that my parents, sister and maybe an aunt ready my blog.
I was flummoxed to discover that people from Canada, Australia and Denmark have read my blog. Also four people from Tunisia. I’m not sure where that is, but now I have to research it. And Luxembourg. I hope you people are enjoying my adventures.
It would be shocking to learn that I can make people outside my family laugh. Another thing that baffles me is: how in the world do you find MY blog? I’m certainly not advertising. All I can say is WOW.
Today’s Exploit:
During my holiday my dad decided we needed to go on a bicycle ride. Every night we’d say we should go the next day. But somehow it didn’t happen to nearly the last day. We finally got it together and went riding. Probably the only thing that got me back to the truck was the idea of homemade waffles.
We drove into the mountains and found a nice deserted dirt road that said: Dead End Ahead. Hoping that it was more that .173 miles to the dead end we got the bikes out and hopped on.
After .073 miles the road turned to a two track. (A little trail that has seen some four wheeling vehicles, but not safe for Mom’s Subaru or my baby Civic.) It was then that I found the first patch of sand. Sand is very difficult to ride in. The tires slide all over, and I have absolutely no control over direction. Rather like hydroplaning or sliding on ice.
But I made it through and went on to the first hill. This hill was nearly never-ending, and steep. I think we rode that way for 81.3 miles. We got to the top only to discover another hill, not quite as long, but covered in loose rocks. Rocks are just as treacherous as sand, and much more intimidating. I made it to the top to discover a fence, then a ridge that I had no desire to traverse. Maybe if I had rock climbing gear.
We turned around and went back down the scary, rocky hill to a fork in the road. We followed the fork to an even steeper, longer hill. We rode down that hill, through sand and rocks and ruts and side slopes until my hands were about to fall off from holding the breaks so tight. That hill was 103.8 miles long.
Then came the fun part. We got to turn around and go back up the mountain to get to the truck. It took me a long time to get started because I’m one of the biggest scaredy-cats anyone will ever meet on a bicycle. (I have scars to validate my reasons.) I had to find just the right place to get enough momentum to get my foot into the toe-clip, but not slide sideways into a ravine.
I finally got started and managed to ride 51.8 miles up the side of the cliff before my legs and lungs gave out. (I think it takes at least 47 days to get used to the altitude after living at sea level for most of a year.) The only thing that got me started again was the prospect of waffles.
This time I only made it .87 miles before I came to a slope that was covered with a combination of sand and rocks, and was nearly upside down it was so steep. So I decided to try to walk it. Unfortunately by this time my legs were approximately the consistency of warm rubber. I could hardly stand. But somehow I forged forward and made it up the hill. I even got my bike up there with me.
I finished the last 387 miles on the bike since it wasn’t quite as steep. I finally got to go down a gentle slope (it was much steeper on the way up) only to land in the most massive sand pit yet. I nearly ran into a forest of thistles, but stopped in the nick of time.
I dragged myself the last 3 miles to flop in the truck and ride back like an abused rag doll. I dreamt of waffles the whole way. They would be heavenly, with buttermilk and homemade chokecherry syrup. It’s one of the most amazing breakfasts in the world. Who cares that it was 1:30 pm by the time we got home?
And they were amazing and delicious. And I’ll dream of them for years.
The bad part was that my parents made me cook them in my state of soft, pliable rubber. Possibly by that point I was the consistency of Jello.
Friday, September 10
Thursday, September 9
Cheating
When I am in the mountains I like to sleep outside. I usually sleep on the porch at the family cabin, but when it is occupied I have taken to sleeping in a cot near the campfire.
This works quite well, except on the nights we have campfires. Then the drunken boys hang out there until the wee hours of the morning playing with fire. Then they spend 38 minutes asking me if I’m sure I don’t need any more wood for the night.
All I really want is for them to go to bed. And I’m very tempted to point out to them that I did just fine last night, with no fire at all!
But it probably wouldn’t sink in. They’re drunk, after all.
Today’s Exploit:
While in the mountains I went for a hike to the almost top of Kennedy Peak. I went with most of the other kids. (The definition of Kid, in this case, means under 50, Ok, ok. Probably 35)
Anyway, the kids asked the adults how far the trip from the cabin to Kennedy Peak would be.
Parents: Probably .75 miles from the bridge to the turnoff, then another 3 to the peak. It’s about a 5 mile trip from here.
Kids: We’ll drive to the turnoff and hike from there.
Parents: Ok, we’ll see you later.
So the kids drive off into the sunset.
It was more along the lines of 3 miles from the bridge to the turnoff, and the sign said another 6 to the peak. So we decided to drive a bit further. No one thought to look at the odometer. So we stopped when we guessed we’d gone 3 miles. Eric parked the truck, we all piled out and strapped water to Brian’s pack and headed off toward the peak.
A good long while later Larry cruised buy on a four wheeler. He went to the peak and on the way back tracked the mileage. We had 2.9 miles to go. Then he went back to the truck to see how far we’d come. He came back and announced that the truck was 3.7 miles from the peak.
Everyone was a bit disgruntled about that. We’d been walking for hours! Ok, maybe 38 minutes.
After a few more dust showers as Larry drove by showing off, or playing, he told us we could cut off about half a mile by getting off the road and climbing straight up the mountain. So we did. We cheated. We blithely struck off into the little bit of scrub clinging to the side of the mountain thinking we’d make it to the top in no time flat.
Eric and Lindsay and Brian had no problem jumping up the hill like Billy goats. Elissa and I have been residing at lower elevations, and had a bit more trouble.
And then came the wind.
Over the course of about 10 steps the wind felt as though it had tripled in ferocity. At that point I wanted to put my sweatshirt on, but was afraid to untie it from my waist. I thought I’d never see it again. The wind would take it to Timbuktu before I even registered it was no longer in my grasp.
I also was afraid of moving too quickly, less the wind grab me and through me down the steep mountain we’d just climbed. I’d probably end up in Timbuktu as well.
We decided that the wind was too much, and didn’t make it to the top of the peak, and didn’t get to see the fire lookout. But we did make it back to the road without anyone flying away. So we thought it was a successful trip.
PS Dad: Tonight you should make Beer-braised Beef with Onions.
This works quite well, except on the nights we have campfires. Then the drunken boys hang out there until the wee hours of the morning playing with fire. Then they spend 38 minutes asking me if I’m sure I don’t need any more wood for the night.
All I really want is for them to go to bed. And I’m very tempted to point out to them that I did just fine last night, with no fire at all!
But it probably wouldn’t sink in. They’re drunk, after all.
Today’s Exploit:
While in the mountains I went for a hike to the almost top of Kennedy Peak. I went with most of the other kids. (The definition of Kid, in this case, means under 50, Ok, ok. Probably 35)
Anyway, the kids asked the adults how far the trip from the cabin to Kennedy Peak would be.
Parents: Probably .75 miles from the bridge to the turnoff, then another 3 to the peak. It’s about a 5 mile trip from here.
Kids: We’ll drive to the turnoff and hike from there.
Parents: Ok, we’ll see you later.
So the kids drive off into the sunset.
It was more along the lines of 3 miles from the bridge to the turnoff, and the sign said another 6 to the peak. So we decided to drive a bit further. No one thought to look at the odometer. So we stopped when we guessed we’d gone 3 miles. Eric parked the truck, we all piled out and strapped water to Brian’s pack and headed off toward the peak.
A good long while later Larry cruised buy on a four wheeler. He went to the peak and on the way back tracked the mileage. We had 2.9 miles to go. Then he went back to the truck to see how far we’d come. He came back and announced that the truck was 3.7 miles from the peak.
Everyone was a bit disgruntled about that. We’d been walking for hours! Ok, maybe 38 minutes.
After a few more dust showers as Larry drove by showing off, or playing, he told us we could cut off about half a mile by getting off the road and climbing straight up the mountain. So we did. We cheated. We blithely struck off into the little bit of scrub clinging to the side of the mountain thinking we’d make it to the top in no time flat.
Eric and Lindsay and Brian had no problem jumping up the hill like Billy goats. Elissa and I have been residing at lower elevations, and had a bit more trouble.
And then came the wind.
Over the course of about 10 steps the wind felt as though it had tripled in ferocity. At that point I wanted to put my sweatshirt on, but was afraid to untie it from my waist. I thought I’d never see it again. The wind would take it to Timbuktu before I even registered it was no longer in my grasp.
I also was afraid of moving too quickly, less the wind grab me and through me down the steep mountain we’d just climbed. I’d probably end up in Timbuktu as well.
We decided that the wind was too much, and didn’t make it to the top of the peak, and didn’t get to see the fire lookout. But we did make it back to the road without anyone flying away. So we thought it was a successful trip.
PS Dad: Tonight you should make Beer-braised Beef with Onions.
Wednesday, September 8
Squishing My Squishy
My sister likes to tease my mom about things she used to say when we were fighting. So now she randomly spouts off things like: What did I tell you? It’s her current favorite, along with the word obscene. She uses it to describe pretty much anything. Mostly it’s pretty funny, but sometimes it takes me a while to process.
Today’s Exploit:
While at my last rig I was chased out of my box by another MWD watching stupid, appalling reality shows on TV. So I went to the rig floor to harass the hands. They were very good natured about it and talked to me.
They made me laugh lots, and told me about what they do on their time off. One of them builds computers from scratch: much smarter than me=what in the world are you doing in the OIL FIELD? One of them plays 7 instruments and entertains at clubs and sells “beats” to famous people: very talented=what in the world are you doing in the OIL FIELD?
Also they like to tease each other. Chris told me that Joseph acts tough but is really squishy inside.
Joseph: Yes, you know those stress balls? The blue and green globe ones?
Me: Yes.
Joseph: Well that’s what I have inside.
Me: Oh.
Joseph: People get stress relief by squishing my squishy.
Chris and Me: look at each other and burst out laughing
Joseph: Wait, that sounded bad. I didn’t mean it that way…
Chris and Me: laughing harder
I spent the next 12.7 minutes laughing until I was crying because Joseph kept trying to explain and making his story even more hilarious.
PS Dad: You should make Chicken Enchiladas for dinner. Just getting a head start here.
PPS: I wanted to call this post Squishy, but it turns out I already named one that. I am a little overwhelmed by this
Today’s Exploit:
While at my last rig I was chased out of my box by another MWD watching stupid, appalling reality shows on TV. So I went to the rig floor to harass the hands. They were very good natured about it and talked to me.
They made me laugh lots, and told me about what they do on their time off. One of them builds computers from scratch: much smarter than me=what in the world are you doing in the OIL FIELD? One of them plays 7 instruments and entertains at clubs and sells “beats” to famous people: very talented=what in the world are you doing in the OIL FIELD?
Also they like to tease each other. Chris told me that Joseph acts tough but is really squishy inside.
Joseph: Yes, you know those stress balls? The blue and green globe ones?
Me: Yes.
Joseph: Well that’s what I have inside.
Me: Oh.
Joseph: People get stress relief by squishing my squishy.
Chris and Me: look at each other and burst out laughing
Joseph: Wait, that sounded bad. I didn’t mean it that way…
Chris and Me: laughing harder
I spent the next 12.7 minutes laughing until I was crying because Joseph kept trying to explain and making his story even more hilarious.
PS Dad: You should make Chicken Enchiladas for dinner. Just getting a head start here.
PPS: I wanted to call this post Squishy, but it turns out I already named one that. I am a little overwhelmed by this
Tuesday, September 7
I was a Bridge Troll
On my holiday I got to go play in the mountains near my home. We spent most of the time laughing at one of our family friends, Eric. Eric does not need anyone to respond to any thing he says. He just goes on and on. And everyone else is unable to respond because they’re laughing so hard. Some of my favorite quotes this trip:
[PJ], it does my heart good to see you up here [at the cabin].
I know it wasn’t your finger, because it fit all the way in! after receiving a wet willie.
Here Lindsay, hold this for me. giving his wife a poker for the fire, soot side up.
Leave me alone; can’t you see I’m sleeping? sitting on a stump near the camp fire.
Today’s Exploit:
Also on this trip I helped build a bridge. The old bridge was pretty amazing and we built it with a bobcat skid steer and six people. But the creed flooded this spring and washed the bridge away. My dad found it about fifty feet downstream, stuck in the willows.
So we took it apart, and pulled the pieces out and put it back. This time we had a skid steer, an excavator and more people than I want to count. Although many of the people were just there to watch, or hunt small animals with a bb gun.
I also cut down a tree. It was really hard. The tree did not want to move and I am now a wimp after sitting at a computer for two years.
But the best part of building a bridge was getting to be the first bridge troll.
[PJ], it does my heart good to see you up here [at the cabin].
I know it wasn’t your finger, because it fit all the way in! after receiving a wet willie.
Here Lindsay, hold this for me. giving his wife a poker for the fire, soot side up.
Leave me alone; can’t you see I’m sleeping? sitting on a stump near the camp fire.
Today’s Exploit:
Also on this trip I helped build a bridge. The old bridge was pretty amazing and we built it with a bobcat skid steer and six people. But the creed flooded this spring and washed the bridge away. My dad found it about fifty feet downstream, stuck in the willows.
So we took it apart, and pulled the pieces out and put it back. This time we had a skid steer, an excavator and more people than I want to count. Although many of the people were just there to watch, or hunt small animals with a bb gun.
Some peole and some machinery Some more people
Last time I was the one standing in the freezing, glacial melt, water handing things back and forth, and rearranging the chain so that bobcat could pull the stringers across. This time I stood in the water, but they also let me hammer some nails, and one piece of rebar in the shoring. But my main job was straitening bent nails so that we could reuse them; we were a little short on hardware.
That's my one piece of rebar!
I also cut down a tree. It was really hard. The tree did not want to move and I am now a wimp after sitting at a computer for two years.
But the best part of building a bridge was getting to be the first bridge troll.
RAWR! this is my bridge!
And then I did a cartwheel.
The end.
Wednesday, August 25
Getting the Boot
This morning I went to breakfast with some rig hands. Not the ones that invited me to buy theirs. We went to a little Mexican place. It was very good. I got some Eggs Rancheros. And I even ate the eggs. And I ate some amazing salsa hot sauce. (I've been informed that salsa is a dance, if it has peppers in it its hot sauce)
When we were leaving one of the guys told me that the waitress recognized him from a year ago, and remembered his name. So, for some reason, he decided he had to tell her that I am his wife. Apparently she made him a little nervous.
Today’s Exploit:
When I got to this rig they were tripping pipe, so I didn’t have much to do until late at night. It wasn’t until shortly before I really needed them that I discovered that one of my steel toed boots was missing. So I faked it. I wore some other boots I happened to bring with me. And I hoped really hard that there wouldn’t be too much mud. Or that someone would notice that they didn’t have steel toes.
The next morning I ran to Wal-Mart, the most torturous store in the universe, to find some replacements. The smallest size they had was men’s size 7. I probably wear 5.5. They also only had slip ons. Sorta like cowboy boots, but not as cool.
So now I am tromping around in boots that are 3 sizes too big and not legal according to the company I work for. I am lucky I haven’t ended up on my nose about 53 times.
Please cross your fingers that my right boot is at home on my floor, waiting for me to go back and find it.
Also, I have some crocs that I use inside the trailer. I had them outside to make changing a little easier. Now I only have one. I’m pretty sure the rig dog stole it. The upside is that she stole the left shoe. Now I can wear the right one with my left steel toed boot.
When we were leaving one of the guys told me that the waitress recognized him from a year ago, and remembered his name. So, for some reason, he decided he had to tell her that I am his wife. Apparently she made him a little nervous.
Today’s Exploit:
When I got to this rig they were tripping pipe, so I didn’t have much to do until late at night. It wasn’t until shortly before I really needed them that I discovered that one of my steel toed boots was missing. So I faked it. I wore some other boots I happened to bring with me. And I hoped really hard that there wouldn’t be too much mud. Or that someone would notice that they didn’t have steel toes.
The next morning I ran to Wal-Mart, the most torturous store in the universe, to find some replacements. The smallest size they had was men’s size 7. I probably wear 5.5. They also only had slip ons. Sorta like cowboy boots, but not as cool.
So now I am tromping around in boots that are 3 sizes too big and not legal according to the company I work for. I am lucky I haven’t ended up on my nose about 53 times.
Please cross your fingers that my right boot is at home on my floor, waiting for me to go back and find it.
Also, I have some crocs that I use inside the trailer. I had them outside to make changing a little easier. Now I only have one. I’m pretty sure the rig dog stole it. The upside is that she stole the left shoe. Now I can wear the right one with my left steel toed boot.
Tuesday, August 24
Flash Dance
Tonight I was bored, so I wandered up to the rig floor. I was talking with some of the hands when the driller asked where I was taking them for breakfast.
Driller: What time do you get relief?
Me: Six.
Driller: Okay, where are you taking us for breakfast?
Me: Where do you want to go?
Driller: What?
Me: WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?
Driller: IHOP? Okay.
Today’s Exploit:
When I got up today I puttered around for a while doing a workout and taking a shower. After my shower I was digging in my duffel to find some clothes when I heard something on the stairs. (My room has an outside door and one to the hallway) I looked up trying to figure out what it was.
Then my door opened!
There I was with my hair dripping in my face and nothing on but a towel, staring at some stranger that thought my door was the main door.
We both stared in shock for a beat before he closed the door and ran away. My next move was to lock the door. Next I felt relieved that I still was wearing my towel.
The guys I live with are still making fun of me for this episode.
Driller: What time do you get relief?
Me: Six.
Driller: Okay, where are you taking us for breakfast?
Me: Where do you want to go?
Driller: What?
Me: WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?
Driller: IHOP? Okay.
Today’s Exploit:
When I got up today I puttered around for a while doing a workout and taking a shower. After my shower I was digging in my duffel to find some clothes when I heard something on the stairs. (My room has an outside door and one to the hallway) I looked up trying to figure out what it was.
Then my door opened!
There I was with my hair dripping in my face and nothing on but a towel, staring at some stranger that thought my door was the main door.
We both stared in shock for a beat before he closed the door and ran away. My next move was to lock the door. Next I felt relieved that I still was wearing my towel.
The guys I live with are still making fun of me for this episode.
Monday, August 23
Migrating
I was attacked by an overweight Basset Hound yesterday. It was out walking with its person, when it saw me. It was so excited that it jumped all over me and went rooo roooo Roooooo! Then it stepped on my foot. And I was wearing sandals. Ouchie!
Today's Exploit:
I got an email a month ago saying that I needed to migrate to a new version of Microsoft. I opened the instructions and got started. It seemed relatively straight forward. It started working, but then it stopped, and wouldn't go any further. Then I had to go to a rig.
At the rig I tried calling IT to have them finish the process for me. The worked on my computer for about four hours and seven deleted programs before telling me they couldn't help because I was on a rig and didn't have a proper internet connection. They said to call again as soon as I got to an office. I don't think they realize how infrequent my office trips are.
Also, those programs they deleted? I kinda use them daily. So I had to go a month trying to find ways around using those programs. Those ones such as Word, or Excel. Or the most important one Outlook.
I finally was able to go to an office and make them fix it. And it took 20 minutes. It should have taken about that long to begin with. But now I have super Word. And it has a blogging feature. And I blame it if this post doesn't work.
The End.
Sunday, August 22
Embellishments
I get to go home in 4.1 days! Let the countdown begin!
Today’s Exploit:
Yesterday I got to the wonderful Corpus Christi rig. Since arriving I have met three new people. I have also spent nearly two hours with each listening to their life’s story. Mostly they narrated the stories very badly; therefore the stories were amazingly dull. One, however, came up with some amazing stories. So amazing that I’m not sure I believe them.
For example, He fell from four stories, while in the Navy, and shattered his leg and nearly had to amputate. Now it is made of plastic and titanium. In order to get it fixed his sister called the guy who sold the life insurance policy to the Buffalo Bills and he talked to their lead medic. When the Navy wouldn’t pay to have the experimental surgery, the Buffalo Bills owner sent his entire medical staff to perform the procedure.
Next he began managing restaurants. After increasing the income for a particular pizza place he was offered a managerial position for a four star place in a tropical location. Here he met and catered a party for a very well known basketball player, while ogling Catherine Zeta-Jones. From there he moved to Italy, Greece, and Austria.
After all these prestigious positions, he decided to quit and get his Associates and start working in the oil industry.
I am not sure what to think…
Today’s Exploit:
Yesterday I got to the wonderful Corpus Christi rig. Since arriving I have met three new people. I have also spent nearly two hours with each listening to their life’s story. Mostly they narrated the stories very badly; therefore the stories were amazingly dull. One, however, came up with some amazing stories. So amazing that I’m not sure I believe them.
For example, He fell from four stories, while in the Navy, and shattered his leg and nearly had to amputate. Now it is made of plastic and titanium. In order to get it fixed his sister called the guy who sold the life insurance policy to the Buffalo Bills and he talked to their lead medic. When the Navy wouldn’t pay to have the experimental surgery, the Buffalo Bills owner sent his entire medical staff to perform the procedure.
Next he began managing restaurants. After increasing the income for a particular pizza place he was offered a managerial position for a four star place in a tropical location. Here he met and catered a party for a very well known basketball player, while ogling Catherine Zeta-Jones. From there he moved to Italy, Greece, and Austria.
After all these prestigious positions, he decided to quit and get his Associates and start working in the oil industry.
I am not sure what to think…
Wednesday, August 11
Cinderella, by Roald Dahl
Something reminded me of being on the speech team recently. Remembering the speech team makes me think of Cinderella. Because that was the best piece I did. So I looked it up. And I found it!
This was the one thing that I could do to have EVERYONE rolling on the floor laughing. Usually I was to self concious and hid in the background. I may have to have another speech recital...
Today’s Exploit:
Once upon a time…no, that’s not how it goes.
Long ago and far away…no, that’s not it either.
In a magnificent kingdom lived…no, no no.
Oh, yes, that’s it…
Cinderella by Roald Dahl
I guess you think you know this story.
You don't. The real one's much more gory.
The phoney one, the one you know,
Was cooked up years and years ago,
And made to sound all soft and sappy
just to keep the children happy.
Mind you, they got the first bit right,
The bit where, in the dead of night,
The Ugly Sisters, jewels and all,
Departed for the Palace Ball,
While darling little Cinderella
Was locked up in a slimy cellar,
Where rats who wanted things to eat,
Began to nibble at her feet.
She bellowed 'Help!' and 'Let me out!
The Magic Fairy heard her shout.
Appearing in a blaze of light,
She said: 'My dear, are you all right?'
'All right?' cried Cindy .'Can't you see
'I feel as rotten as can be!'
She beat her fist against the wall,
And shouted, 'Get me to the Ball!
'There is a Disco at the Palace!
'The rest have gone and I am jealous!
'I want a dress! I want a coach!
'And earrings and a diamond brooch!
'And silver slippers, two of those!
'And lovely nylon panty hose!
'Done up like that I'll guarantee
'The handsome Prince will fall for me!'
The Fairy said, 'Hang on a tick.'
She gave her wand a mighty flick
And quickly, in no time at all,
Cindy was at the Palace Ball!
It made the Ugly Sisters wince
To see her dancing with the Prince.
She held him very tight and pressed
herself against his manly chest.
The Prince himself was turned to pulp,
All he could do was gasp and gulp.
Then midnight struck. She shouted,'Heck!
I've got to run to save my neck!'
The Prince cried, 'No! Alas! Alack!'
He grabbed her dress to hold her back.
As Cindy shouted, 'Let me go!'
The dress was ripped from head to toe.
She ran out in her underwear,
And lost one slipper on the stair.
The Prince was on it like a dart,
He pressed it to his pounding heart,
'The girl this slipper fits,' he cried,
'Tomorrow morn shall be my bride!
I'll visit every house in town
'Until I've tracked the maiden down!'
Then rather carelessly, I fear,
He placed it on a crate of beer.
At once, one of the Ugly Sisters,
(The one whose face was blotched with blisters)
Sneaked up and grabbed the dainty shoe,
And quickly flushed it down the loo.
Then in its place she calmly put
The slipper from her own left foot.
Ah ha, you see, the plot grows thicker,
And Cindy's luck starts looking sicker.
Next day, the Prince went charging down
To knock on all the doors in town.
In every house, the tension grew.
Who was the owner of the shoe?
The shoe was long and very wide.
(A normal foot got lost inside.)
Also it smelled a wee bit icky.
(The owner's feet were hot and sticky.)
Thousands of eager people came
To try it on, but all in vain.
Now came the Ugly Sisters' go.
One tried it on. The Prince screamed, 'No!'
But she screamed, 'Yes! It fits! Whoopee!
'So now you've got to marry me!'
The Prince went white from ear to ear.
He muttered, 'Let me out of here.'
'Oh no you don't! You made a vow!
'There's no way you can back out now!'
'Off with her head!'The Prince roared back.
They chopped it off with one big whack.
This pleased the Prince. He smiled and said,
'She's prettier without her head.'
Then up came Sister Number Two,
Who yelled, 'Now I will try the shoe!'
'Try this instead!' the Prince yelled back.
He swung his trusty sword and smack
Her head went crashing to the ground.
It bounced a bit and rolled around.
In the kitchen, peeling spuds,
Cinderella heard the thuds
Of bouncing heads upon the floor,
And poked her own head round the door.
'What's all the racket? 'Cindy cried.
'Mind your own bizz,' the Prince replied.
Poor Cindy's heart was torn to shreds.
My Prince! she thought. He chops off heads!
How could I marry anyone
Who does that sort of thing for fun?
The Prince cried, 'Who's this dirty slut?
'Off with her nut! Off with her nut!'
Just then, all in a blaze of light,
The Magic Fairy hove in sight,
Her Magic Wand went swoosh and swish!
'Cindy! 'she cried, 'come make a wish!
'Wish anything and have no doubt
'That I will make it come about!'
Cindy answered, 'Oh kind Fairy,
'This time I shall be more wary.
'No more Princes, no more money.
'I have had my taste of honey.
I'm wishing for a decent man.
'They're hard to find. D'you think you can?'
Within a minute, Cinderella
Was married to a lovely feller,
A simple jam maker by trade,
Who sold good home-made marmalade.
Their house was filled with smiles and laughter
And they were happy ever after.
This was the one thing that I could do to have EVERYONE rolling on the floor laughing. Usually I was to self concious and hid in the background. I may have to have another speech recital...
Today’s Exploit:
Once upon a time…no, that’s not how it goes.
Long ago and far away…no, that’s not it either.
In a magnificent kingdom lived…no, no no.
Oh, yes, that’s it…
Cinderella by Roald Dahl
I guess you think you know this story.
You don't. The real one's much more gory.
The phoney one, the one you know,
Was cooked up years and years ago,
And made to sound all soft and sappy
just to keep the children happy.
Mind you, they got the first bit right,
The bit where, in the dead of night,
The Ugly Sisters, jewels and all,
Departed for the Palace Ball,
While darling little Cinderella
Was locked up in a slimy cellar,
Where rats who wanted things to eat,
Began to nibble at her feet.
She bellowed 'Help!' and 'Let me out!
The Magic Fairy heard her shout.
Appearing in a blaze of light,
She said: 'My dear, are you all right?'
'All right?' cried Cindy .'Can't you see
'I feel as rotten as can be!'
She beat her fist against the wall,
And shouted, 'Get me to the Ball!
'There is a Disco at the Palace!
'The rest have gone and I am jealous!
'I want a dress! I want a coach!
'And earrings and a diamond brooch!
'And silver slippers, two of those!
'And lovely nylon panty hose!
'Done up like that I'll guarantee
'The handsome Prince will fall for me!'
The Fairy said, 'Hang on a tick.'
She gave her wand a mighty flick
And quickly, in no time at all,
Cindy was at the Palace Ball!
It made the Ugly Sisters wince
To see her dancing with the Prince.
She held him very tight and pressed
herself against his manly chest.
The Prince himself was turned to pulp,
All he could do was gasp and gulp.
Then midnight struck. She shouted,'Heck!
I've got to run to save my neck!'
The Prince cried, 'No! Alas! Alack!'
He grabbed her dress to hold her back.
As Cindy shouted, 'Let me go!'
The dress was ripped from head to toe.
She ran out in her underwear,
And lost one slipper on the stair.
The Prince was on it like a dart,
He pressed it to his pounding heart,
'The girl this slipper fits,' he cried,
'Tomorrow morn shall be my bride!
I'll visit every house in town
'Until I've tracked the maiden down!'
Then rather carelessly, I fear,
He placed it on a crate of beer.
At once, one of the Ugly Sisters,
(The one whose face was blotched with blisters)
Sneaked up and grabbed the dainty shoe,
And quickly flushed it down the loo.
Then in its place she calmly put
The slipper from her own left foot.
Ah ha, you see, the plot grows thicker,
And Cindy's luck starts looking sicker.
Next day, the Prince went charging down
To knock on all the doors in town.
In every house, the tension grew.
Who was the owner of the shoe?
The shoe was long and very wide.
(A normal foot got lost inside.)
Also it smelled a wee bit icky.
(The owner's feet were hot and sticky.)
Thousands of eager people came
To try it on, but all in vain.
Now came the Ugly Sisters' go.
One tried it on. The Prince screamed, 'No!'
But she screamed, 'Yes! It fits! Whoopee!
'So now you've got to marry me!'
The Prince went white from ear to ear.
He muttered, 'Let me out of here.'
'Oh no you don't! You made a vow!
'There's no way you can back out now!'
'Off with her head!'The Prince roared back.
They chopped it off with one big whack.
This pleased the Prince. He smiled and said,
'She's prettier without her head.'
Then up came Sister Number Two,
Who yelled, 'Now I will try the shoe!'
'Try this instead!' the Prince yelled back.
He swung his trusty sword and smack
Her head went crashing to the ground.
It bounced a bit and rolled around.
In the kitchen, peeling spuds,
Cinderella heard the thuds
Of bouncing heads upon the floor,
And poked her own head round the door.
'What's all the racket? 'Cindy cried.
'Mind your own bizz,' the Prince replied.
Poor Cindy's heart was torn to shreds.
My Prince! she thought. He chops off heads!
How could I marry anyone
Who does that sort of thing for fun?
The Prince cried, 'Who's this dirty slut?
'Off with her nut! Off with her nut!'
Just then, all in a blaze of light,
The Magic Fairy hove in sight,
Her Magic Wand went swoosh and swish!
'Cindy! 'she cried, 'come make a wish!
'Wish anything and have no doubt
'That I will make it come about!'
Cindy answered, 'Oh kind Fairy,
'This time I shall be more wary.
'No more Princes, no more money.
'I have had my taste of honey.
I'm wishing for a decent man.
'They're hard to find. D'you think you can?'
Within a minute, Cinderella
Was married to a lovely feller,
A simple jam maker by trade,
Who sold good home-made marmalade.
Their house was filled with smiles and laughter
And they were happy ever after.
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