Please Press 1

I am going crazy. I have been away from home for a month now, and I have about 2 weeks left before I can go home. 

But first I have to go to the office and do a dumb commentary drive to prove that I remember how to drive since the last dumb commentary drive from last year.

Today’s Exploit:

The other day I was sitting, reading and being cranky because my tool wasn’t working properly and everyone was making a big fuss. We had finally gotten a survey and were starting to drill with fewer problems than had been plaguing me for a while. I was being relieved and pouting (fuming) because my manager had blamed me for the problems we’d been having. 

The dd’s had been talking, and irritating me because I was being irritable, and one decided to make a phone call. I don’t remember what he was supposed to be calling for, but was rather startled to hear (he had his speakerphone on) a seductive woman’s voice saying something along these lines:

Hello, welcome to blablabla chat line. If you are a woman and would like to talk to a sexy, naked man please press 1, if you are a man and would like to talk to a sexy, naked woman please press 2...

That is where he ended his call.

I am amazed he let it go on for so long, but the dd trainee was completely confused. 

Trainee: What was that?

DD: I called a wrong number.

Trainee: Oh, why were they asking that.

DD: It was a sex hotline.

Trainee: What?

DD: A sex hotline.

Trainee: ...

I find the recording and the following conversation quite humorous right now, but at the time I was just wishing that they would leave my shack. I have gotten quite used to working alone with my computers, and having anyone else in my unit makes me a little edgy. And working with them for the entire job (about a month) makes me a bit crazy, and endlessly cranky.

A Mini Dorm Room

I am reading Pride and Prejudice. I’m sure I’m missing much of the context due to the language difference, but so far it seems like a bunch of overly dramatic girls and very dense men. I have not discovered Mr. Darcy’s charm thus far. 

Today’s Exploit:

I used to live in a dorm. The rooms are small and you have to share. Also, communal bathrooms are gross, no matter how often they are cleaned. And mostly the whole floor knows exactly what you are doing at any given moment, and can hear all your conversations in HD.

This week I am living in a dorm room again. Except it’s a bunch of nasty guys on my floor, and the walls are made of 2.3 sheets of paper instead of .273 layers of brick. 

Through that wall is the door, people like to stand
there and shout as loud as possible.

The pros of paper:

-It doesn’t hurt when you fling your arm up to use as a pillow. No more scraped knuckles.

-It’s easier to decorate with cork-board “pictures”. A picture and a place to pin your papers, all in one pretty frame.

-If you trip and fall, you’ll fall through the wall and the debris will cushion your landing, rather than bashing your head on some bricks.

The cons of paper:

-If you fling your arm up, particularly roughly, to use as a pillow you will punch through the wall.

-The cork-board picture might fall down due to insubstantial support from the wall.

-If someone whispers on the other side of the building it will sound like they’re standing on your head and screaming as loud as they can in your ear. 

Also, I lived by the main door for 2 weeks. That was pure torture. Everyone is quiet at night. No one is quiet during the day. And they turn the heat to “blistering” and my room is the first on the overflow list. Then, if I open my window to cool down a teensy bit, someone will stand under it and smoke cigarettes the whole time.

My new room is larger, it has shelves and drawers, my
own sink and a connecting bathroom. And the only noises are
from generators. 

411

Trees. 

"I spy something green."

Trees with snow. 

"I spy something tall."

Trees with road.

"I spy something with bark."

Today’s Exploit:

Fun fact: This is post # 411 and I have been going at this for more than 3 years. This is some kind of record for me. 

I am very impressed that I actually noticed that, and therefore this post will be dedicated to some very important life facts.

I ran in 4 races last year. Only one was at my normal pace.

I made marshmallow fluff with my sister. It took two tries because I misread the thermometer.

Last night someone drew horns, a tail, a pentagram and the note “I love satan” on my rear windshield. I think I know who it was, and I have to think of a retaliation, fast.

I just acquired a digital library of 5000+ books. The first series I read was amazing, the second ruined the story Sleeping Beauty for me, for life.

My sister lives in Texas with me, but 45.9 minutes away in good traffic. I see her now as much or more than I saw her when we were attending college in the same town.

My sister is starting a running/yoga/other workout program. She actually offered to run a half marathon with me. I thought she would never again run in a race after the trauma of our St. Patrick’s day race.

I want to do a mud run and the color run. You get to run, and roll in the mud and pretend to be 5.

I built some shelves, all by myself. Until my dad came and helped me finish them and fix a couple boo boos. Then he was more excited about finishing them than I was, and that’s saying something.

Myrtle is almost 2!

Myrtle now has 1 baby and 4 siblings.

I am designing plans for my nightstands, since I can’t find any that suit my liking on the internet. And also for a table that goes under my girl painting, to hold my girl statue, because they need to be together - they’re sisters.

I am in love with snow, and skating across the location in my super-slippery pink steel-toed boots.

I graduated from high school 10 years ago. I still act like I’m 13, or sometimes 5.

I am over half way done with an Associate’s Degree in Business Administration. I have learned that I could have passed the writing portion of this in grade 6, and that late papers don’t get docked points like the instructors claim, but that’s about all.

I have seen my house 32.06% of the days over the past 4 years, maybe.

Ok, I’m done. Have a nice day.

Um, Please Don’t Do That

I spend my mornings in fear that one of the roughnecks will decide to use their gym, now that they’ve taken over the room I usually commandeer for my workout. 

Today’s Exploit:

When I arrived at the Canadian rig I got a lot of funny looks, because everyone was expecting a guy since my name is rather androgynous. 

Then I was accosted right and left for wearing jeans, everyone had to make sure that they were fire retardant. Many of the roughnecks were amazed when I told them that, yes, my jeans have the proper properties to wear at the rig.

One of these conversations happened after I had been talking to Kas for a while, and was almost starting to feel comfortable around him.

Kas: Are your jeans fire retardant?

Me: (Showing him my reflecties) Yes, they are.

Kas: That’s so cool, I want some.

Me: I hate them and avoid wearing them whenever possible because they’re so tight I can hardly breath when I do.

Kas: (Leaning to check out my backside) Well, I think they fit just right.

Me: (Stammer a bit and turn bright red)

Why is it that every one I start to feel comfortable with, as a friend, has to go and burst my little happy bubble by doing something like this? I like my bubble and only get self-conscious and awkward when I know that people are watching me. Especially my bum.

Boys are frustrating.

Eeets a Gooooood Moooooo-veeee

I’m going to get a pumpkin tonight.  So I can have Halloween at the rig.  Maybe I’ll be really motivated and make sugar cookies to frost.  

Or maybe I’ll have time to make those at my new home.

Today’s Exploit:

Ricardo likes movies.  

Every time I go to the trailer he is watching something new.  

Each time he tells me:

“Have you seen this?  This is a gooooood moooooo-veeee.”

Doesn’t matter if it’s a movie made for 13 year old girls, 5 year olds or a really creepy horror movie.  It’s always a gooooood moooooo-veeee.

I’ve seen him watching “A Cinderella Story”, “The Flintstones”, Some nasty vampire movie, “Planet of the Apes”, and “The Mask”.  

Each and every movie he has seen before.  Each and every movie is a “gooooood moooooo-veeee’.  And each one always surprises him.  

He says, “What the...” at least 4.7 times each time I go to the trailer.  

Ricardo:  What the..., did you see that?

Me:  Yes.

Ricardo:  He just mumblemumble mumble, can you believe that?

Me:  Mmm.

I’m never sure how to answer, because I just saw it on the movie, it wasn’t that exciting.  And I’m not exactly sure about his stance on the subject due, partly, to his mumble and partly to his accent.

Silence Would Be Devine

I almost had to adopt the poor starving dog.  She followed me around for the rest of the time I was in town.  I bet she’d have gotten in my car if I gave her half a chance.

Today’s Exploit:

I’m ready for a break.  

I want my own bed.

And silence.

No buzzing, no roaring, no clanging, no yappy trailer-mates.

Just silence.  

And I want to make caramel on my new stove.

Instead I get to make the trip to Oklahoma one more time.  To clean and to get my Kitchen-Aid.  I also need to get my hangers and my toolbox.  

Then I’ll be able to put my table and my futon together.  

And I’ll sit in the silence in my new living room basking in the light that comes in.

For dinner I’ll eat at my dining table, contemplating my new cubby-shelves, and enjoying the quiet.  

He Did Try to Keep Up

Debbie Downer went home.  Maybe everyone else will be a bit more cheerful now.  

Maybe cookies will help.  

Today’s Exploit:

One of the mud loggers claims he used to run a lot.  And he wants to get back into shape.  

So I told him I was always happy to have company on my runs.  

So he asked me to wait and went to change.  

I was a bit amazed.  Mostly the guys that say things like that are all talk and won’t actually go with me.

But Pat went with me.  In the wind and dust and, later, downpour.  

We ran .748 miles, and walked the rest of the 3 mile trip.  It was very soggy.

The next day he was ready before I got back to the trailer.  

So we took off again.  Pat said he wanted to make it at least a mile.  The last third he spent wheezing, hacking and choking.  But he made it a mile.  

I tried not to ask to often if he was ok, guys are goofy and get offended if you do that.  

I let him walk.

After half a mile told him that I was going to run some more.  I ran the rest of the 3.2 miles to the guard shack and turned around.  On the way back I caught him where we’d stopped running and I walked the last mile with him.  

He limped the whole way, and the rest of the night.

Later he told me he might have to start running every other day, until he was in a bit better shape.

I’ve run alone since.

What I Learned Today

I went and bought a cheap travel mug last night.

I was tired of fighting for and/or cleaning mold out of the one mug in the trailer.  

Now I have one that’s “burnt orange” with the goofy lid and the rubber band around the middle (that’s supposed to look like a cardboard sleeve) to make it look like it came from a swanky coffee shop.  

Today’s Exploit:

Yesterday one of the guys in my trailer, the one who never has anything good or upbeat to say, walked by and said:

“Well, on the bright side, the trailer’s so old that the formaldehyde is probably gone.”

I was a bit stunned.  My first thought was science class and pickled animals floating in green tinted fluid in jars.  And that smell...

I thought maybe he was talking about asbestos, but that didn’t seem right either.

So I had to look it up.  

I never knew formaldehyde was used in particle board, or drapes, or paint.

I just imagined it would smell too terrible to use in a home.  

So.  That was my new thing learned for today.  What’s up for tomorrow?

He’s Gonna Wreck That Thing

I might take over the company man’s kitchen.  Because mine is gross and over-crowded.  

Today’s Exploit:

Yesterday I was outside a lot.  We received tools from three different sites all at the same time.

While Rick was busy telling the forklift driver where to put things and the truck drivers what they’d be hauling back, I decided to be useful and strap the tools we’d just gotten.

So I found a tape measure and a marker.

I was busy measuring the pieces and noting the lengths on each end for easy reference when Rick came over to me.

Rick:  One of those truck drivers told me Joe’s going to wreck that thing.

Me:  What?  The forklift?

Rick:  Yeah.  He told me, “He’s gonna wreck that thing.”  And I asked what he meant.  He told me, “He’s gonna wreck that thing if he don’t stop watching the girl and start watching where he’s going”.  

Me:  Oh.  That makes me self conscious.  I think I need some more inconspicuous clothes.

Rick:  You don’t think they’d still be wondering, “Wonder what she looks like under those coveralls?”

Me:  I don’t want to know that!  I was happy floating in my little bubble of oblivion.  

Rick:  Haha!

I Think That’s What He Said

Cupcake is doing P90x!  She’s made it through one month already!  

It’s to get into shape so that we can run a marathon next spring.  

Not really, it’s only a half-marathon.

Today’s Exploit:

Larry is the night company man.

He’s funny.

I can only understand about half of what he says.

I think he’s from Louisiana.  I still have a hard time with that accent.  

They say things like:  We-onna-ig-uh-ih-a-it.  (We’re going to rig up in a bit)

Or maybe:  Yr-ool-edy-oo-oo?  (Your tool ready to go?)

Mostly I smile and make non-committal noises because I don’t really know what he said.  

He seems to be ok with that.  

So long as I’m ready to go when they need me.

Searching for Boxes

My friend Kevin finally got his stolen truck back.  He says he’s never going to Oklahoma again.  Except next month to help me move.  

Today’s Exploit:

I got boxes today.  Some plastic ones to save my pillows and blankets, the ones that I’m not willing to sacrifice for the safety of my table and chairs and futon and bed.  I believe those will be protected by my fire sheets and 400 year old towels.  

I was going to get some cardboard boxes, but it was not a delivery day at Target.  So they told me to come back on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday or Saturday.  Naturally I would manage to go on the day they didn’t get one.  

The guy I asked was very helpful.  After he told me what days to come back he followed me out of the store and suggested I go to the liquor stores or bookstores for boxes.  But I should make sure I call ahead to have them held for me.  

Good advice for a Sunday afternoon.  

Ain’t Got No Actright

Today the driller is calling me “Cupcake”.  It makes me look around for my sister every time he says it.

Tomorrow’s supposed to be “Sugar Plum”.

Today’s Exploit:

I walked into the trailer to nervous laughs tonight.

Turns out Tommy was telling dirty jokes and they all got embarrassed when they thought I might have heard.  

Tommy:  Did you hear any of that?

Me:  ...Yep, I heard all of it!

Tommy:  Oh, crap!  

Me:  Hahaha

Tommy:  Bull****!

I smiled and walked away.  

When I returned to the room Patrick was complaining that he didn’t understand much of what Tommy said.  

He also noted that he needed to write down the quotes Tommy says.  

Then he spouted off a few, some rather vulgar.  That really embarrassed Tommy.

Tommy:  You’re not supposed to say that in front of a woman!

Patrick:  But, it’s what you said earlier!

Tommy:  Yeah, but not in front of a woman!  What are we going to do with you, you ain’t go no actright!

I just sit in my corner and watch them, taking notes for my stories.  

I’m A Strong Gell

Another gem from Don.

He was telling me a story.  He is always telling me stories.  There are so many!

I don’t remember what this story was about but whatever it was it was “Better than beer and Monday night football, and moonlight and Vaseline.”

He was rather embarrassed that I remembered that one.

Today’s Exploit:

Patrick has taken it upon himself to tell everyone he talks to about my muscles.  First he told Tony.  Then he had to tell Tommy the next morning.  

He’s commented a couple times about how he’s ashamed that it’s easier for me to carry the tool than it is for him.  

Then he told the driller.  And the next driller.  He even told the company men when they came over to chat.  

And when our new friend James-from-the-office came he was told as well.

Patrick:  She’s a strong gell!  (Gell is Australian for girl)

James:  I like that in a woman.

Patrick:  You should look at her muscles!

James:  My wife is like that, too.  I think it’s sexy.

They sat there talking about my muscles and how it is attractive and/or embarrassing as though I wasn’t sitting right there, between them.

I was probably a nice shade of fuchsia throughout the conversation.

Muscles on Display

I did 4 crossword puzzles last night, I think that qualifies me to be in the nerd herd again.

Today’s Exploit:

Patrick asked me if I noticed that I got more muscles when I started this job.  He was rather shocked when I told him I lost my muscles, and that I started doing P90x to get them back.  

He told me about how hard he thinks it is to lift the tool.  When we were rigging up he was very worried about me putting up the satellite dish because it is the heavy part of the job.  Then he waited until I took a nap so that I could be up for my shift and got a roughneck to help him move the tool, sneaky boy.

Later, when we were on the rig floor, someone made a comment about having us work as roughnecks (half of their crew didn’t show up).  So I flexed and said, “Rawr”.  

They all laughed at me, naturally.

Then Patrick asked if he could see my muscles when I was rolling up my sleeves.  

I don’t know what came over me, but I flexed again.

Then he asked if he could touch them.  

Um, okay?

I laughed and was embarrassed, and then I tried to forget about it.

Tony came over to talk to us about picking up our tools, and 2.1 minutes into that conversation Patrick asks Tony, “Have you ever seen her muscles?  Have her show them to you!”

Cue red face and stutter.

The Larangus Attack

Sometimes I think the only thing that gets me through the day is the 82 popsicles that I eat.

Today’s Exploit:

Mark is addicted to Judge Judy.  He likes laughing at the stupidity of people.  

I like laughing at people’s stupidity as well, but I’m not completely obsessed.  He auto-tunes the TV to change to the Judge Judy program every day it’s on.  And he gets really excited right about 4:00 pm.  

The other day, instead of doing my workout, I watched with him.  

He talks through the whole thing, telling me exactly what happened 2.1 minutes ago.  I feel like I’m letting him down by actually paying attention so that I already know what’s going on.  But I don’t know if he actually notices that my answers are rather monotonous.  

The particular section that I remember from this show was a lady and her boyfriend.  She called him a friend, but golly, I think everyone knew why they went to that concert together.

She was suing him for attacking her on the way home, as well as damage to her car.  Bla blah blabla blah.  It wasn’t terribly interesting until the end when they interviewed the parties outside the courtroom.  

I love when people try to appear smarter than they are.

Lady:  We were driving along and he started being obnoxious.  Then he got mad and started assaulting me.  He even grabbed my larangus so I had a hard time breathing.

Really?  Your larangus?  Now that is a heinous crime.

Both Mark and Randi stopped what they were doing and looked at the TV questioningly.  

Me:  Her larangus, hahahahaha.

Mark:  Is that what she said?

Randi:  I thought she said that.

Mark:  I can’t believe someone said that to a camera, knowing it would be on TV.

Me:  Larangus.  Goodness.